3 Things...

Just Wondering...

2005-11-29T22:40:00.000-05:00

Given the impending 2 months of electioneering and campaign rhetoric, which simultaneously excites me and frightens me - I may very well post with a little more regularity than the past few months, which has seen me post with the frequency in which I use periods to end run-on sentences. *ahem*

Given that opposition parties have opposing platforms and do their best to discount each other's policies and plans - why do they then turn around and chastise the current government for breaking promises? Promises to do things you would assume they don't want to see put into place to begin with.

Just curious. I'm sure there will be many unaswered questions for the next little while.

Honeymoon's Over

2005-10-03T23:34:00.000-04:00

Meh... The 9 to 5 is really getting to me. Thank god there is chocolate peanut butter ice cream.

Ever had Grace's Pineapple Juice? Taste the Caribbean. It comes in a glass bottle with a bottle cap that was sealed by a legion of Herculean Strongman competitors in some Austrian frat house. It defies bottle openers. Basically you have to chisel it off. Perhaps it is to contain the 157% pure sugar elixir of sweetness that doesn't really have much or any of that tangy tartness one commonly associates with pineapple. Unless the pineapple trees (trees? I don't know what they grow on. And I thought pinepples were endemic to the Pacific anyways. I know shockingly little about the source of fruit.) were genetically modified and spliced with the genes of a sugar cane and... oh wow, that sounds like a fantastic idea.

Genetically modified foods will have my full support if and when they combine all of my favourite fruits with sugarcane.

And cocoa and peanuts.

I Said Slowly

2005-09-29T23:49:00.000-04:00

The problem with such a long break from blogging is that there is so much that has happened and the prospect of putting together an epic post describing (to the two of you who may care) what as been up for the last 4 or 5 months is very daunting. It would rival The Odyssey, it would. A very boring version of The Odyssey where this guy has started a new job and wanted to move to Toronto and then spent a month or so looking for a place and then actually did move to Toronto and has been kind of enjoying his time since. Eating out. Seeing some movies. Griping with coworkers about the workaday world. That about sums it up I guess.

Also any comments doubting my staying power are completely founded, if that is indeed the proper use of that word - the opposite of unfounded is what I'm looking for and it just seems easier to remove the "un" than to go and hunt down the thesaurus to find something better. I don't know how well I'll keep this up but at least I'm having a go.

There's also so much that's happened to my regular blogger reads, and though I'd like to dedicate hours to catching up with their posts - I won't. Don't be offended. I will read with interest starting anew.

Yechh, it's been a while since I tried to write more than a paragraph and I think it's showing.

I'll finish with words of wisdom from today's 24: "Sanchez says Roxy Music, David Bowie and the Rolling Stones enjoy a decades-long mutual love affair with fashion for decades."

How's that for being redundant enough for you?

Is This Thing On?

2005-09-27T22:42:00.000-04:00

Slooowly eeking my way back into the blogosphere, due in no small part to the hilarious new blog of one Part Time Ninja.

Let's see how well it goes this time...

Sincerest Apologies

2005-06-19T22:31:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know I'm not very good at this lately.

Those damned full time jobs just get in the way of everything. When I was posting regularly, I usually wrote late at night - when I felt the most inspired/creative/bored/delerious. I can't stay up that late anymore and so the posts suffer for it. I have to try and establish a new writing routine to get this going again. But with the apartment hunting, the crisis in the Middle East, political turmoil at home and abroad...

I'll try harder.

Bread & Honey & Beer

2005-06-06T22:37:00.000-04:00

1) Last weekend was the annual Bread & Honey Festival in Streetsville and also happened to be my first full weekend off with the new full time hours. The cards were stacked against me from the get-go. Much time was spent in the beer garden doing exactly what you should be doing in a beer garden; talking to people from high school you haven't seen in 8 years and drinking copious amounts of beer to make all that talking bearable.

Beer was drank later at dinner in town and then more beer was drank later at the bar. It was glorious. And Sunday was spent as any good Sunday should be spent; sleeping in until noon so that the alcohol seeping out of your pores was diluted enough that breathing in your own body odor didn't make you drunk again. Yes, it was pretty.

It's a good thing it's only an annual event.

2) We are in the midst of full-blown summer heat and it's great. I spend my day in an air-conditioned office, which I guess is great, but I also feel like I'm missing out. Even though the brief time I'm outside at lunch is pretty damned uncomfortable. And it's great to be able to go out on my bike at 10 at night when it's perfect biking weather.

3) The reason I don't write jokes for a living:

Did you hear about the giant at the midgets' orgy?

The poor guy just didn't fit in.

A Post

2005-06-01T22:45:00.000-04:00

... and so I says to Mabel, I says...

Well, hello. Long time no 3 things. I really haven't been that uninspired to write for that long, but it's like a habit that once you fall out of, gets really hard to get back into. Like bathing. Or not killing.

I've been meaning to sit down and play a little catch up with the posts for a long time, but every time I try even more time has passed and there's the pressure; the immense and unwavering pressure, to come up with the mother of all posts to make up for all that time I've missed. And so I don't feel like I can live up to all that pressure (which is, of course, entirely in my mind) and I bail on the writing and another day goes by. And so on and so on...

The one-minute update:

I am now officially full-time, liking the job and liking the free weekends even more. I am moving to TO in July. For those in the know: somewhere in the Bloor/Bathurst area so that the subway/bus out to Mississauga won't be too bad, and so that I'll be inundated with more coffee shops and gift shops than I can shake a stick of patchouli incense at. Most importantly I'll be living with a wicked friend with a cute puppy that I totally plan on milking for all of it's chick-attracting worth. And I'll be living close to all of my best friends who will quickly learn that yes, distance does make the heart grow fonder. Suckers.

I have missed writing and will try to get back into the blogging saddle: the saddlelog. No, lets pretend I didn't just call it that... I can't promise that it will be daily (like it ever was) but I'll try to post more often than once every 6 weeks. I wouldn't want to pull an Astronaut Jones on you.

Quickest way to get your comments into the double digits: fake your own disappearance and watch the concern roll in from all of your dedicated readers... or from Butterscotch. It's nice to know I've forged a few anonymous long-distance digital connections. Warms the heart.

OK, ciao, talk soon.

Oh yeah, 3 things:

1) Pope's dead, and the new guy's worse.

2) Belinda's a grit, the MPILF can at least wear a red dress now.

3) Deep Throat is an old white guy, kinda ruins that movie doesn't it?

Not Dead

2005-04-21T23:28:00.000-04:00

I just haven't felt like writing lately. Hopefully that will change...

I Know Cool. And This Is Cool.

2005-04-15T01:10:00.000-04:00

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're all thinking: "Damn, does this guy ever stop writing?"

1) What with the teenage murderers and corporate tie-ins to Saddam's Oil for Food corruption and mothers dancing while their baby dies, it's hard not to have a pessimistic view of human nature. That's me alright. Obviously there are many good people in the world and I have been fortunate to be exposed to mostly the good in my life. But if you look at the global and historical trend of "people doing really shitty things to one another," you'll forgive me for thinking that humans, as a species, are generally rotten bastards.

Again, I am relatively free of rotten bastard experiences, but this is how I feel. I don't consider myself an overly negative or pessimistic person in general. Just in this small little detail: y'know, the human race...

I can't imagine how anyone who has been a victim of the horrible things that humans can do to one another, could think otherwise. I don't know how people find forgiveness for those sort of things. I guess they're better than me. And I don't understand how people can believe in a benevolent higher power with all of this going on, either. But it's not like I'm the first guy to wonder about that.

I think it would be fun to taunt criminals once they were locked up in jail. Maybe I'm a bit sick, but I think I would derive great pleasure in flaunting how great it is to be free while they watch from behind razor wire. I'd talk about how great it is to walk around wherever I want, and do whatever I want, and eat whatever I want, and get anally raped by a fellow inmate whenever I want, which will be never.

I think it should be standard practice that epic Playboy mansion-style parties should be held just off prison grounds, when prisoners are out on their half-hour daylight break or whatever. Food, drinks, music, fun, beautiful people should all be tantalizingly close but just out of reach, just to rub their noses in it.

I'm not sadistic and I'm not particularly angry right now - I just think it would fun to add to the punishment, which never seems to be sufficient.

2) I celebrated and bought myself an iPod mini. It's frickin' cool. And it's also the reason I haven't posted for the last two days. I'm only posting now because I'm taking a break from transferring my cd's to the computer and then to the iPod. My burner is very slow and so it's a time consuming process. I've got about 550 songs on the iPod so far (it can hold about 1000). I've spent at least 12 hours the last two days transferring all my favourite albums. When I am done, it will be just about the coolest thing ever. In the meantime, until I am done an insane number of file conversions and transfers, I will be just about the uncoolest guy ever.

3) One of the best things about the move from high school to university is the abandonment of the "cool" pecking order. For most people in high school (except for the extremely well adjusted, and consequently, the marginalized) there is a hierarchy of cool that exists in all of the cliques and groups. You know who is cooler than you and who you are cooler than. Generally high school is not a very diverse environment. People are pretty similar - simply because different = freak and blending in and going along with the majority is safer and more likely to get you laid. So you can compare yourself to others and establish your ranking. As sad as that all is.

University has way more cliques and groups and factions and militant off-shoots but there is no hierarchy. Which is great. Because there are so many groups that are so radically different, there is no common ground for comparison and thus no way to determine that this group is cooler than that group. There is no universal "criteria for cool" and therefore no pecking order established by elitist pricks, filled with insecure people desperate to climb the ranks to the next level of cool. Except for Western, maybe.

Off The Heezy

2005-04-08T00:09:00.000-04:00

1) Hooray! I got the job! I got the call today at noon. I start training in a week or so and will split between the training (2 days/week) and finishing up the current part time contract I'm working on (3 days/week), until the end of May. Then I will be a full-time, 9-5, two-week vacation, salary and benefits corporate whore. Hooray! I'm happy! I'll write more as I learn more about it and it actually starts sinking in.

2) A couple of years ago I experienced what turned out to be an incident of sleep paralysis, which is commonly mistaken as alien abductions by the people who experience them. It was cool and weird and scary all at once - I had no idea what was happening. This is what I wrote about it the next day:

"I was lying in bed in the dark and “thought” that I was awake with my eyes open. I got kind of weird feeling; a little spooked for some reason, so I wanted to curl up a little tighter in my bed. My hands were almost dangling over the edge so I wanted to pull them back under the covers. I tried to move my arms in and I couldn’t move them at all. So I tried to roll over to accomplish the same, and realized I couldn’t move at all. This was really eerie because I totally thought I was wide-awake and I remember thinking “wow, this is really weird/cool/scary” so I lay there for a while, every now and then trying to move my arms and my legs. I was lying on my side so it was kind of an awkward position to be stuck in, but no matter how I tried I couldn’t move.

It was the oddest sensation and not entirely unpleasant. I remember smiling and almost laughing at myself and my inability to move, although still being kind of wierded-out by it. It almost felt as if they were held in place by some magnetic force, or that they were really heavy and I couldn’t lift them to move them. It was almost like when you sleep on your arm and it goes dead, except without the buzzy sensation, they just wouldn’t budge.

Then I started seeing and hearing things that really got me concerned and more than a little spooked. I saw what looked like soft glowing lights, white, and hovering, that would appear and disappear. Kind of like fireflies except not such a concentrated point of light. I also heard small shuffling/rustling noise beyond the head of my bed, out of my sight, near where my hands were. So again I tried to pull my arms back in but I still couldn’t move them. So at this point I started getting a little paranoid and wondering what was really going on.

I lay there for a bit longer and then it occurred to me to try and open my eyes. This was a weird thought, because all this time I had been under the assumption that my eyes were open and I was awake. I don’t know why I tried it; it wasn’t some grand realization that I was sleeping and that all I needed to do was open my eyes. It was a much more subtle realization; maybe I should try this… So I opened my eyes with ease and saw the basement I was in, a little lighter than it had been a moment ago because of the light coming in the small window. I sat up, relieved I could move everything, even testing a little, moving my arms and legs. I didn’t feel all that different; like one second ago I had been sleeping and now I was wide awake. It just blended together, like shades of grey, without any strict border between the two states. Anyways, it was kind of cool."

3) If you ever wondered what my blog would be like if I was off the heezy, now you can see (Warning: I re-read every damned one of my posts, laughing my ass off most of the time. So only check this out if you have lots of time to waste and no-one nearby to annoy with your laughing). Shit, if I could write this well all the time...

This Post Be Short, Says I

2005-04-07T00:01:00.000-04:00

1) Ever the attention-seeking publicity hound aren't you, Johnny Cochrane? Ya couldn't let the Pope up and die without getting all insecure. Your next best bet for attention, Michael Jackson, is making a spectacle without your help. And so in desperation, you gotta die too. And then OJ will come to you your funeral. Hey, maybe he's looking for the "real killer" there.

2) I made a really tasty vegetable stir fry tonight. Lots of red peppers and snow peas. That is all.

3) I've got a whole bunch of guitar lines/chord progressions/ideas that I've been playing around with lately. I really want to jam and see if they're worthwhile and flesh them out and see where they go. Dennis, Mark, we really need to go on a jam date. You bring the wine and flowers, I'll bring the prophylactics.

Behold My Triumphant Return, And Weep

2005-04-06T00:42:00.000-04:00

Hi everybody. Sorry I haven't written for a while, but I've actually been busy. And when I haven't been busy I've been tired and lazy. So I guess I'm officially an adult now.

1) Today I had my internal interview for the new full-time GIS job at work. I think it went really well - and I'll know by the end of the week if the job is mine. I wore my birthday suit and I think I surprised a few co-workers with my ability to clean up nice. One guy told me I looked like I was in "web sales." I took it as meaning I looked hip and trendy and on the cutting edge of internet savvyness. But it was probably the pasty-white, out of shape computer nerd look.

The interview itself was about half hour, where they asked me why I wanted the job and why I think I'd be good for it. The asked about my geography/GIS background and experience and then talked about the nature of the job. Apparently my current boss has been talking with my potential boss about the logistics of me moving over to the new position, should I get it. So that's a good sign that at least they haven't written me off and are just humouring me for the sake of procedure.

I am really anticipating this position and I will be super-stoked if it all goes well. Like I said, I should know by the end of the week. The company (that sounds Orwellian) is looking internally for a qualified candidate before they look externally, and I really can't imagine anyone internal who would be a better match for the position, in terms of education, experience, interest and sheer desperation. So this weekend I will have a good news post, or a bad news post - either of which will be rambling and poorly spell-checked, clouded in a drunken haze.

2) I think the 50's was probably the lamest decade of this century. I just don't like it. Every other decade, before and after, has its elements of cool and importance and major changes in history. There are lots of wars and social upheaval and drama. But the 50's totally lacks any of that. Especially in North America. It's also the beginning of all the things that have totally gotten out of control and sucky nowadays; automobile-centred society, suburbs, consumption for consumption's sake, the culture of convenience, bad TV and movies, the undeniable and horrible reality that teenagers are the target market and thus the influencing demographic for almost all entertainment and fashion. Teens are lame man, I know - I was one.

And the music sucks. I know it's the decade of the birth of rock and roll, with the fusion of blues, country, gospel and blah, blah, blah. But I just can't bring myself to like it. It all just sound so derivative. Even though technically everything since then is derivative. Every decade since has it's great bands, genres, songs etc., but the 50's are just boring.

3) One of the most tedious and frustrating tasks is the removal of fluff, lint and hair from fleece. I know I'm anal about it, but I like the look of clean fleece, especially if it's black, like my jacket. When you start picking off the fluff, lint and hair you have to acknowledge that a) you're never going to get it all, no matter how hard you try, and so, b) you have to decide on a minimum threshold for the bits that you will pick off. Then you must decide on the acceptable threshold, which is a combination of a) size, b) colour, and c) location of the bits of fluff, lint and hair.

For example: even the smallest balls of fluff must be removed from a black fleece if they are white or very light-coloured. Larger sized debris can be left if it is similar in colour to the article of clothing. Longer hairs and/or fur must always be removed, but once the length drops to less that 1.5 cm, discretion can be used, in which case - the location of the hair on the jacket is the deciding factor. Arms and front of a jacket have a lower threshold than the back, and the sides, under the arms, have the highest. The inside of the article of clothing is out of the equation. Unless you're psychotic.

The problem is that the threshold is a moving target. As you remove the last of the previously determined "to be removed" debris, the larger bits of the "acceptable" debris now appear larger and you lower the threshold to go after them. And then it becomes an infinitely repeating process; much like a fractal. Or it's like that brain teaser you learn as a kid: two people standing apart take turns walking towards each other, travelling half the distance between them each time. When will they meet? Never. That drives the kids crazy. Or it's like the myth of Sisyphus, updated.

Either way, it sucks.

Divine, Snickering Intervention

2005-03-31T00:11:00.000-05:00

1) I found out that the potential full-time position that might be opening up at work is now an actual position. Many people at work know that I've been waiting for this to open up and that I'd be gunning for it once it was made official. So I got a handful of emails from co-workers informing me as soon as the posting went up, because I didn't work today. I've now applied internally and thus I am at least guaranteed an interview. The position suits my background and my interests very well and people there like me (as far as I can tell), and I don't think there's many people there who would be better suited to the position. So... I'm trying not to get too excited, nor plan my next seven paychecks' expenditures, but I'm really thinking positive thoughts for this one. Wish me luck.

2) I'm helping my retired neighbour do a little renovation work on his mother-in-law's old house, which he will be moving into this summer, now that she's moved into a nursing home. There's a lot of work to be done and most of it will be done by professionals, but there's a few things he's doing himself. He's stripping the basement down to the concrete walls and then rebuilding several rooms and a workshop. So our job today and tomorrow, consists of tearing down the remaining walls, ceilings and floors.

I guess it reaches into my deeply buried male "smash and build" genes, but it's extremely satisfying to take a hammer and crowbar to things and totally reduce rooms and walls to piles of wood and rubble. It's also very satisfying to build things, too. I wonder which is more satisfying though. Building something gives you the satisfaction of taking a bunch of raw materials and putting together something tangible and functional that will be there for years to come, for all to see and use and appreciate. But tearing something down gives you the satisfaction of knowing that the sucker who built what you are tearing down thought that it would be there for ever, and you're proving him wrong. Sucker.

But the keyboard-softened skin on my hands doesn't do much for protection from nails, I tells ya'.

3) Proof that God exists and that he has a wicked sense of humour:

When you bite your lip or the inside of your mouth while chewing or eating, it swells up and then makes a nice fat target for your teeth to keep biting down on for the next two days, hurting like a bitch every time.

There's no need for that. That doesn't serve the body any benefit. I can't see how it serves evolution for your body to punish you for doing something stupid by ensuring that you continue to do what it was that was so stupid for the foreseeable future. It would make much more sense if your body would react by doing something that would protect said injury and reduce further harm.

Clearly, divine intervention is at work. Divine, snickering intervention.

The Comfort And Trappings Of Nostalgia

2005-03-30T01:20:00.000-05:00

1) It was sunny and nearly 15 degrees today, so it was pretty damned sweet after the latest winter of discontent. I heard "Interstate Love Song" by Stone Temple Pilots on the radio and it totally brought me back to high school. As much as that band was chided for being a watered-down knock off of the "real" grunge bands, at least they were doing it when it was relevant, and not 10 years later like the plethora of crap bands today that moan and groan about being misunderstood and lost in a misunderstanding world that, like, totally misunderstands them. Eddie Vedder ruined the last 10 years of "alternative rock" by having such a imitation-worthy-yet-entirely-unattainable voice... but I digress.

I certainly don't like Velvet Revolver, or most of the stuff STP has done post-1994, but I really think that Purple is a solid album. It's one I'll only pull out and listen to a couple times a year, but it's always in the summer when it's hot and it is one of those albums that really have a finite period in my life associated with it. Summer in high school. All in all, I'm glad high-school is far behind me and I certainly wouldn't want to relive it, but sometimes a few kick-ass memories can overshadow most of the lameness that was high school.

2) Everyone has made the comparison of girls/guys to cats/dogs. So I won't do that here. I'll compare cats/dogs to girls/guys. Specifically, human-pet relationships and the heterosexual dating scene (not in the creepy way).

Cats are like girls in the way that the more actively your pursue them, the less interested they are. The more you want to chase the cat and pick it up pet it and play with it - the more it knows that it can get that sort of attention anytime it wants, so it becomes very aloof to your advances, even to the point where it intentionally avoids you. On the other hand, if you play hard-to-get with the cat and ignore it and pretend you don't notice it, the more it seeks you out. The more it wants you to notice it and play with it - to the point where it jumps up on your desk and steps all over your keyboard and sticks it's face in your face, saying "Pay attention, dammit! I'm here and I'm cute!"

Dogs are like guys in that it will put up with just about anything for a chance to hump your leg. You can ignore it, kick it, starve it, lavish it with attention, whatever. It really has no bearing on the fact that the dog will shit itself with excitement when you give it a glance that may even remotely suggest you are considering going for a walk with him. A dog basically walks around saying "I love you, love me. I love you, love me. I love you, love me."

3) As much as I think UFO's are totally cool, and am fascinated by them, and believe in extra-terrestrial life, I'm resigned to the probability that most of the sightings that happened in the last 50 years or so were bunk. I've read a lot and watched a lot of TV specials on UFO's and one thing I've learned from all of them is that haven't been any really cool or dramatic or verifiable sightings in the last 20 years or so.

I think that back in the day, the potential for capturing evidence of UFO's and the dissemination of that information to the world was much more limited. Compare that to nowadays, where everyone has a digital recorder and a camera in their phone, outer space is populated with innumerable sensors, satellites and cameras, ubiquitous embedded news crews are everywhere and the internet facilitates the instantaneous dissemination of information, we should be witnessing all kinds of UFO stories, if they were true.

Any legitimate or even vaguely interesting UFO sightings should be heard 'round the world, almost as soon as they happen. And that's the problem. Before all of this, a UFO story would typically involve one or two people, nothing more that eyewitness accounts, no photographic evidence, and the it would take days for news crews to be on site, with any evidence long gone. Plenty of time to come up with a good sounding story or at least convince yourself that you really saw what you think you saw.

Now I think that people know that they can't get away with that sort of thing because there are too many people who will know and be interested and investigative and probing with their questions and any fabrications or half-truths will be found out (blatant lies and propaganda in today's news, notwithstanding).

Basically I think it comes down to that people could get away with more, with less evidence or proof back then. So a whole lot of dubious UFO stories were accepted as truth despite governments' attempts to explain-away these stories with lame weather-balloon excuses. So I've come to the conclusion that most of these stories were probably false, despite my desire to believe in them.

It also explains why you never hear about weird things falling from the sky, mysterious beasts, or many other supernatural occurrences. I think people made up, or at least believed, a lot more shit back then and you just can't get away with it now. It's kind of crummy and sad in way. I want to believe, just give me some solid evidence.

Or maybe I'm completely delusional in my faith in modern science and journalistic accuracy.

The Green-Eyed Monster

2005-03-28T01:04:00.000-05:00

1) Dear Europe,

Please keep sending us:

good wine

gorgeous women

liberal attitudes

fascinating history

nude beaches

But you can stop sending us:

weird candies

haute couture

yelling and wild gesticulating as part of everyday conversation

ridiculous game shows for which you need a Ph.D. in chaos theory to understand what's happening

obnoxious, narcissistic soccer players

Thanks

2) There's not many places lonelier than the Mississauga Transit terminal at 10 pm on Easter Sunday. I was searching for some comfort, or a greater understanding, or at least to be at peace with the world, when I found it. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, hallowed be thy name...

3) For some reason, when I see someone really talented, or the products of someone who is really talented, it can really annoy me sometimes. The initial and obvious explanation for this is jealousy, except I don't think it's that entirely - or even at all.

It's not something that I feel all of the time, it's only the odd time now and then. There are plenty of talented writers, musicians, artists, athletes etc., that I don't find annoying. Most talented people, or creations of talented people, I really enjoy and respect. With musicians and bands especially, I am often in awe of what they can do.

It's not a case of their talent not being of my "taste" either. Sometimes I can be reading a book I really enjoy, but a particular passage or idea in the book will "bug" me, because of it's creativity. Or if I come across someone who does things I am interested in, or things similar to what I like to do, and does it well (better?), I will find their talent annoying. It works the other way too; there are plenty of painters whose works I don't particularly like, but I can still recognize their talent and it doesn't annoy me.

I think most of the time when I am annoyed it is because I can't fathom their creative process or how and where they manage to get their ideas. And so I react by thinking "well that's stupid." Except I know it's not stupid. It's a stroke of brilliance. Maybe it comes down to the innate fear/mistrust/criticism of things that are foreign and not understood, which we humans seem to be so good at.

Except it's not entirely foreign. I utilize the creative process and find inspiration (to whatever degree of success) when I am writing these posts or playing my guitar or whatever.

But I'm rambling now.

I guess it's most likely just jealousy.

Stupid talented creative jerks.

Dave Would Be Rolling In His Grave

2005-03-26T01:05:00.000-05:00

1) The following conversation occurred at the Wendy's drive-thru after work tonight:

Barely Intelligible Speaker Box: (Something Unintelligible)

Me: Hi. I want the chicken combo, but I don't want a drink. Is it cheaper if I just get the sandwich and fries separately?

BISB: Whatever you'd like sir.

Me: Umm... but I don't want a drink. Which is cheaper?

BISB: Yes.

{Pause to collect my thoughts and decide how to end this conversation as painlessly as possible}

Me: OK, I guess I'll go with the combo then.

BISB: And what would you like to drink?

2) Last night when I was getting off the bus, the guy getting off ahead of me puked the second he was out the door. Actually, I don't even know if he was out, I think he opened up the back door just enough to puke outside. He was looking a little ragged beforehand. I though I heard weird noises when he was opening the door but because I was directly behind him I couldn't see that he was puking.

I paused on the last step off the bus and looked at the very large puddle of chunky puke that was now just outside the door. I actually had to leap to clear it.

I've ridden a bus a few times before where the urge to throw up is frighteningly close, but the mind over matter aspect of not puking in a public place, or especially on public transit, has always allowed me to avoid this embarrassing outcome. I guess the force was weak in this one.

3) Happy Easter everyone! I will eat too much chocolate in the next few days but I am going to make sure that it is dark chocolate because apparently it is a lot better for you.

Question: why is the birth of Jesus always celebrated the same day, while the death and resurrection of Jesus changes every year? You'd think they'd have that date nailed down...

I'm 3 beers into this post and it's not getting any funnier so I'll quit before it simply turns sloppy and laden with grammatical errors and full of too much information.

No Post Today

2005-03-25T01:33:00.000-05:00

I wasted too much time fartin' around with the template changes. I'm not sure what I think of this one, but I was definitely tired of the old template. You likey?

You, Sir, Are Worse Than Hitler

2005-03-24T00:58:00.000-05:00

1) I'm reading Self by Yann Martel as the third book in my "Let's Get All Literary And Shit, Or At The Very Least Remember How To Read" series. I'm about halfway through and I am really enjoying it - though there's been a fairly major turn in the "plot" which caught me off guard and confused me for a bit. I say "plot" because it's a fictional autobiography, so there's not a story so much as I can tell. Just the kind of snippets and anecdotes and tales of growing up that you would expect to find in an autobiography.

Much of the beginning of the book obviously deals with being a child; the first memories recalled, the discoveries made and the crazy and hilarious things that all little kids think. It got me thinking of my earliest memories. It's strange to think back to your childhood when you were very young. I don't know about you but to me I can't really identify that kid as me. I obviously experienced and learned and thought and did a lot, but I have no recollection of that age. Physically I don't resemble myself at that age. I have no proof that anything actually happened (apart from pictures or what my parents tell me). I have no proof that I actually existed, in my mind at least. It's hard to wrap my head around it. I have such a familiarity with myself and my thoughts and my mind now, that being unable to recall anything of that era is really weird. For lack of a better word.

My first memory is playing in a shallow pond, and there were a bunch of tadpoles swimming around. It was in some kind of park. My parents are pretty sure that it was from a time when we went down to one of the parks on Lakeshore, and I was around 2 years old. So why is that my first memory? Was there something specific about that incident that registered with part of my newly-formed personality? Or was it simply the particular time when my brain was ready to start registering conscious memories and keeping records of what I experienced?

There's a gap until my next memories and those are not as clear-cut. I remember nursery school and playing with my cats in the basement. But not one particular event like that day at the pond. I try to remember things, but I guess it's not like you can search through a file folder and pick out particular things. If I do remember some long-forgotten incident, it will be because of some trigger. But they are all in there - which is kind of cool, but for the most part, they're inaccessible - which is kind of sad.

The last two books I've read have dealt very thoroughly with the notion of "self" and it's fucking up my thoughts... man.

2) So there's the ying and here's the yang: I went clothes shopping today and bought a bunch of cool springtime clothes. They're, like, super-cool. I don't think I've actually ever done any "seasonal" clothes shopping before and I'm not sure what it means for me. Either:

I'm caving in to the damned catchy jingle-singing Gap and Old Navy ads,

I'm maturing as an adult and gaining an appreciation for a seasonally stylish appearance,

I'm resigning myself to the siren-call of the fashionista clones,

or I'm sneakily subverting the capitalist consumer-driven economy from the inside, in a diabolical plan I haven't quite figured out yet.

But whatever, I'll look good doing it.

3) I watched both I Heart Huckabees and Anchorman over the last couple of days. Both very funny, in their own ways. Anchorman certainly had it's moments of genius and it's moment's of annoying silliness. I definitely enjoyed I Heart Huckabees more. An added bonus is that the message board for this movie over at the IMDb captures idiots on both sides of the debate over whether this is a good movie or not. Plus, some idiot even drags out the Hitler comparisons in the discussion, thus confirming Godwin's Law, yet again. It's too funny in it's predictability. Marc - weren't we just talking about that?

My Rage Boils... I Think I'll Make Some Pasta

2005-03-22T15:08:00.000-05:00

Today is news day again (and when it's news day, it means I'm incredulous at the state of the world):

1) Miss America plans teen spinoff. Because the regular Miss America beauty pageant is losing audience interest and ratings have been plunging, they are planning a spinoff for girls 13 - 17. Because it really is a good idea to foster those feelings of insecurity and inadequacy at a much younger age. And there's the added bonus of capitalizing on the increased sexualization of young teen girls. If anyone can still try and pretend that these beauty pageants are anything more than a display of hot young women for men to ogle, despite all the PR bullshit they spout about the "brains" and "talent" being the focus, they are seriously deluding themselves. Obviously hot 18 - 24-year-old girls just doesn't cut it anymore. Let's get 'em younger.

"One major difference is that there will be no swimsuit competition, as pageant organizers did not think it fair that 13-year-olds and 17-year-olds would be competing against one another in swimsuits."

Note that pageant organizers didn't say that "it would be wrong and creepy to have 13 and 17-year-olds competing on display in swimsuits for an audience of (mostly) adult males." Their problem is that it wouldn't be fair to have 13 and 17-year-olds competing against each other in swimsuits. Implying that differences in physical development between those ages would make comparisons unfair. Implying that physical attributes are considered by the judges when they are determining who will win. Ultimately implying that, yes, it does come down to nice tits and hot young bod.

2) Terri Schiavo. The latest (good news) is that a U.S. federal court judge on Tuesday refused to order the reinsertion of the feeding tube keeping her alive. A positive message sent to congress and Bush that, no, you can't pick and choose to enact laws that affect one person, and make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside because you're acting on moral authority and you know the answers to everything because you've got a direct line to god.

Some Vatican religious guy has said that nobody has the right to decide whether someone lives or dies. OK, but we do it all the time. Every time a doctor performs heart surgery. Every time a firefighter rescues someone from a burning building. Every time a soldier shoots another soldier. Every time the state executes a criminal. We are always deciding to either save a life or take a life. Sometimes the intentions are noble, sometimes it is done under the misguided perception that it is noble. Sometimes it doesn't seem to make any sense at all. But we do it all the time.

You'll probably find that a lot of the people who use this argument in this case are the same people who ignore the argument when they call for the death penalty. Like, say, George W. Bush.

But in this specific case, a person's quality of life is basically non-existent. The doctors say she will not get better, that she will just lie there in a vegetative state as long as a slurry of food nutrients are continually fed into her through a tube. I'm sure that's all part of god's design.

"Who can judge the dignity and sacredness of the life of a human being, made in the image and likeness of God? Who can decide to pull the plug as if we were talking about a broken or out of order household appliance?" asked L'Osservatore Romano.

Well, the problem is that this is a case where we have artificially kept this person alive by attaching a plug in the first place. God's battery-powered appliance stopped working, and we thought that we'd fix god's mistake by attaching an external power source - one that is not at all natural and certainly involves a decision as to whether a person dies or not.

It's all about being selective. Apply the messages we like and ignore the ones we don't. It's a part of everyone's life on a daily basis and on every scale of decision-making, morality and ethics. We filter through the infinite rule books of society to decide how we act. And generally we do so to benefit ourselves and the people we care about. This involves ignoring messages that aren't in our own interest or that we don't believe in. That's reality. But you can't pick and choose from the rule books and then appeal to the higher authority that wrote the books after the fact. Because once you pick and choose, that's your agenda, no one else's.

And all of this debate is based on the notion of "the sanctity of life." Here is what George Carlin has to say about that (it's long but worth the read):

But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase 'sanctity of life'. You've heard that. Sanctity of life. You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realise that God is one of the leading causes of death. Has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians all taking turns killing each other 'cuz God told them it was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the land, vengeance is mine. Millions of dead motherfuckers. Millions of dead motherfuckers all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question. 'You believe in God?' 'No.' *BAM*. Dead. 'You believe in God?' 'Yes.' 'You believe in my God? 'No.' *BAM*. Dead. 'My God has a bigger dick than your God!' Thousands of years. Thousands of years, and all the best wars, too. The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me. Hey, any time a bunch of holy people want to kill each other I'm a happy guy.

But don't be giving me all this shit about the sanctity of life. I mean, even if there were such a thing, I don't think it's something you can blame on God. No, you know where the sanctity of life came from? We made it up. You know why? 'Cuz we're alive. Self-interest. Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is sacred. You don't see Abbott and Costello running around, talking about this shit, do you? We're not hearing a whole lot from Mussolini on the subject. What's the latest from JFK? Not a goddamn thing. 'Cuz JFK, Mussolini and Abbott and Costello are fucking dead. They're fucking dead. And dead people give less than a shit about the sanctity of life. Only living people care about it so the whole thing grows out of a completely biased point of view. It's a self serving, man-made bullshit story.

It's one of these things we tell ourselves so we'll feel noble. Life is sacred. Makes you feel noble. Well let me ask you this: if everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in? I'm having trouble with that. 'Cuz, I mean, even with all this stuff we preach about the sanctity of life, we don't practice it. We don't practice it. Look at what we'd kill: Mosquitoes and flies. 'Cuz they're pests. Lions and tigers. 'Cuz it's fun! Chickens and pigs. 'Cuz we're hungry. Pheasants and quails. 'Cuz it's fun. And we're hungry. And people. We kill people... 'Cuz they're pests. And it's fun!

And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says 'Save the tumours.'. Or 'I brake for advanced melanoma.'. No, viruses, mould, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Nothing sacred about those things. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal, huh? You know how we got it? We made the whole fucking thing up! Made it up!

3) Now I'm not sure if I want an iPod Shuffle or iPod Mini. The life-altering decisions I am faced with on a daily basis are so taxing. Maybe I'll ask god what to do.

All Over The Place

2005-03-19T01:41:00.000-05:00

1) Music-Map is a super cool site. It's validation for every music geek. Type in a band and it gives you a "map" of similar bands, where their proximity to one another relates to their similarity. It works very well: if I type in my favourite band it lists at least 8 of my other favourite bands plus another 8 or so that I've heard of and want to discover.

2) I recently saw the "Family Guy" episode that deals with restitution. Peter finds out he is distantly related to a black slave who was owned by distant relatives of his wife. Anyways, hilarity ensues.

But it got me thinking about the whole concept of restitution. And how I'm not quite sure what I think about it.

On one hand, all of the parties are long dead: the slave owners, the slaves, the government that allowed/encouraged the practice of slavery. So I find it hard to accept that people who are not responsible for any wrong-doing should be responsible for financially compensating people who were done no wrong. It's a part of history - a very dark period and certainly wrong, but since no victims or guilty persons survive - how can compensation be decided and awarded?

On the other hand, I imagine the following scenario. A family steals a large sum of money from another family. Over the years they invest it and become wealthy while the family that was stolen from struggles. 150 years later, all of the original family members are dead, while relatives continue on in their divergent paths. The wealthy descendants of the original thieves are now living off the proceeds of crime. Not by choice, but nonetheless there are laws that are in place to prevent that from occurring. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse. Any first year law class will tell you that not knowing you are breaking a law does not make you innocent of the crime. So then shouldn't the wealthy family be prosecuted, or at the very least, made to give their money to a common fund from which payments can be made to the families of the victims?

It can be argued that the government should be subject to similar consequences. Many have made an argument for role of slave labour in the growth of the US into the superpower it is today. Without the massive profits they made as a result of trade in goods harvested/produced by slave labour, the rapid growth in industry, accumulation of wealth, and ultimately the sphere of influence of the US would be much smaller.

So, yeah. Just thinking out loud.

3) Some kids "tagged" the local police station with graffiti. That takes balls. I laugh every time I pass by on the bus.

But The Bass Player's A Girl!

2005-03-15T01:33:00.000-05:00

1) Ode to the Pool Hall

essence of onion ring hangs in the air

infusing the clothes i currently wear

classic rock anthems bombard the bar

but, reluctantly, i won't air-guitar

ac-slash-dc and zeppelin and who

something for all (born pre-'82)

gord said it best with his buck-fifty beer:

yes, "it gets so sticky down here"

pot bellies jockey for limited space

the belts in the room are losing this race

my corduroys "zip" as i pace round the table

to make a nice shot whenever i'm able

but most of the time the physics confound;

upset they're not handling a task more profound

the beer is the potion that loosens the limbs

not long is the liquid level with rims

the battle is waged on the flattest of fields

a stick and sharp eye, your enemy wields

play the right angle and use the right spin

no, it's not politics, but still, you must win

carom and massé and bank every ball

call out a trick shot if you've got the gall

ultimately, make sure your ball's in the hole

(i'm spent - this metaphor's taking its toll)

2) I'm in the process of arranging the payments for my student loans now. It's very disheartening. My monthly payment will be "not a small number... that is a big number!" It's pretty crappy to face that kind of debt payment when I am also trying to move out and try and get my shit together. Don't be surprised if end up whoring myself on the street to get extra money. Actually, I'd make a terrible whore: I'd be giving it away free, all the time.

3) Best line from the recent Strong Bad email. In reference to the alternative bands that resulted in the demise of the 80's metal band: "Chuck Taylor wearing, no self-esteemers."

iRule

2005-03-14T00:51:00.000-05:00

1) Over the last while, I have been hearing more and more about this great game called Settlers of Catan. The grand authority of gaming, defective yeti, was my first exposure to the game. And it is designated as the #1 Good Gift Game in The Morning News' Canonical Good Gift Game Guide.

Now, if there's anyone still reading, I'll explain why I bring this up. I am not a board game kind of guy at all. We weren't a board game family when I was growing up. My only real memories of board games are playing an old British version of Monopoly. I used to play with my sister and she would always end up quitting and driving me crazy in the process. I don't think we ever finished a game. And I was always one roll of the dice away from completely emptying her bank account and having a bitching party in one of my many hotels over on Bond Street or Park Lane.

And that was another problem - because I was accustomed to playing the British version, I'd be used to King's Cross railway station and Old Kent Road and Fleet Street and collecting 200 pounds when I cross GO and getting sent to jail by Bobbies. So whenever I played anywhere else, people had no idea what the hell I was talking about, and I was completely stymied by the American version.

So anyways, I got to play Settlers of Catan on Saturday night. And despite the fact that I was completely lost for a good portion of the game, I really got into it and enjoyed it. It's a pretty geeky game - I won't try to explain it here - but basically the premise is collecting various resources and using them to build roads and settlements to get points to win. But it's immensely fun. At one point I was so feverishly caught up in trying to negotiate two bricks for an ore, in order to upgrade my settlement to a city, that I balked at going for beer. I went later, of course. But still...

2) I woke up Sunday morning and turned on the TV and Spongebob Squarepants was on. I have never gone out of my way to watch it, but I'll watch for a little while if it's on while I'm flipping. I realize that it's cool and all for "adults" to like Spongebob, or maybe it's not anymore - I can never keep up. But that show really is funny. I may not go as far as wearing a Spongebob Squarepants backpack, but I think I'm going to try and watch it more.

Because that's what I really need: another entertaining yet unproductive distraction.

3) So if there are any readers of this blog who are looking for ways to spend money and like to reward undeserving moochers - I'd really like an iPod shuffle. *drool* These things are so cool.

I Should Be Getting Royalties From CBC

2005-03-12T00:18:00.000-05:00

Today is news day:

1) This whole Jetsgo fiasco is basically criminal as far as I can tell. I'm sure that the decision to shut down an airline wasn't made suddenly in the middle of the night. You know that this was something that was being deliberated, if not already decided, for a long time. Add to that the fact that they have been on a really big push to get as many last minute customers as possible in the last few weeks with $1 deals and the fact that they shut down right before March break, probably the busiest time of year next to Christmas. This way they make the most amount of money and spend the least before they up and quit. Explain to me how it is legal to sell a service you have no intention of providing. Because online tickets were being sold up to a few hours before the shut down.

Apparently the CEO is a sneaky, slimy and successful bastard, whose companies have been patently unsuccessful. Figure that one out. This is the kind of corporate chicanery that needs thwarting.

While I believe in "buyer beware" and I don't think that the government should be responsible for refunding the money that people lost, the government should be responsible for investigating this CEO and the company. And establishing, strengthening and enforcing laws so that these kinds of things don't happen again.

2) The story of the young gas station attendant dragged to his death by a couple of punk-ass teenagers trying to steal $12.30 in gas, in a stolen car, is really sad.

I don't know how, but the parents of the victim are able to express empathy for accused teenager. "You can't point a finger at this child. He's the product of the community and of neglect," said Doug De Patie. That's pretty amazing, because I sure as hell don't feel that way - and I certainly couldn't imagine feeling that way if it was a member of my family.

Yes, it is true that a bad upbringing, poverty, neglect and abuse is inevitably going to shape you as a person and probably have a negative effect. But you are ultimately responsible for every decision you make. A sixteen year old who decides to steal a car, steal gas, and drive off dragging the guy trying to stop him fully deserves all the punishment that can be handed out. I have no sympathy at all for this kid and I can't comprehend how anyone could. Everybody's young and stupid at some point, but you know when you're doing something wrong and you certainly should know that there are lines you don't cross. And so you should be spending a long time in jail for knowingly doing horrible things that you know are wrong.

3) Judge says Leno can make fun of Jackson. This, of course, assumes Leno can be funny. Which he can't.

4) Lucas promises a darker "Star Wars." This, of course, assumes anyone cares anymore. First, you were upstaged by "The Matrix" and now you're following in it's crappy footsteps.

5) Pope heard speaking during hospital mass. This, of course, assumes anyone could understand what the hell you were mumbling the last 5 years anyways.

"Surely you concede I deserve it!"

2005-03-11T01:07:00.000-05:00

1) My boss is so great. He really is the nicest guy in the world. He is Ned Flanders. Except with less Bible quoting and even more -iddley and -oodley. It's great. And he's also incredibly busy all the time because he's the jack-of-all-trades and the go-to guy for so many people. He keeps us updated of going-ons in a log book and today's note was regarding a bunch of client products that are being stopped this week:

"They will not be removed from the system until I get back, unless there is a wrinkle in time that I can take advantage of."

He makes working fun!

2) I filed my income taxes. I'm getting a refund. Hello free money! Which was mine to begin with. And has been held from me by the government. Which they have used to do whatever it is the government does with tax money. So now they're giving it back. Which I guess makes it a loan from me to my government. And I'm not getting any interest payments. I call bullshit.

3) Calvin, of Calvin and Hobbes, is pretty much my hero.

"But I work better under pressure. That way, the work time is more miserable, but there's less of it."

"The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life."

"I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!"

"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."

Universal Rules

2005-03-09T00:11:00.000-05:00

1) At Mark's great pot-luck birthday celebration on Monday night, probably while drunk, I stated the following:

Universal Rule #18: I always get drunker than my friends when it's their birthday.

I like to think that it's because I'm sharing in the joy of a good friend's celebration, when in actual fact, I'm a borderline alcoholic who will take any opportunity to drink as an opportunity to drink too much. Of course I was asked about Universal Rules #1-17 (by some wise-ass smart alecks). I just picked #18 randomly.

2) Here's a short list of things that I associate with feeling great:

Friday afternoon when tree planting. It is the moment in time when you are furthest from having to plant again, and the anticipation for the weekend can't be beat. Even a dirty, smelly weekend in Timmins can be paradise when it's book-ended by the Worst Job in the World.

Waking up ridiculously early on a gorgeous summer day to play golf.

The first day in spring when it's warm enough to wear shorts around campus. And that's also when the tank tops and sun dresses come out.

The last day of work at any summer job. There's nothing as satisfying as going through the motions with a bunch of "lifers" who'll be there tomorrow and the next day while you move on to school and bigger and better things. Plus, there's the delusional "well at least I'll never have do to anything as menial and demeaning as that again."

Going to a cottage or a house party where there is so much beer on hand that you don't even have to think about whether or not there may be any left, or that you should keep an eye on them in case that jerk who always drinks all the beer, drinks all the beer. There's no mad dash to drink your share too quickly... you know that whenever you go to the fridge, there will be beer.

Those odd times when you're jamming with friends and you realize that, hey, this actually sounds good, and no-one screwed up the song.

3) Universal Rule #6: Not having cable TV doesn't mean you'll watch any less TV, it means you'll watch worse TV.

"We gonna party, like it's your birfday, drink Bacardi, like it's your birfday"

2005-03-07T00:49:00.000-05:00

1) HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARK! On this, the 28th anniversary of the day you popped out yo' momma, make sure you: work like it's the last day at your job, eat whatever you want, buy yourself a treat, get rosy drank-too-much cheeks, and get yo'self some boo-tay! (In whatever order you want.)

2) Damn those 2 for $25 cd sales they have at HMV. Damn them all to hell. And hooray.

3) Push-ups suck ass.

Stupid? Ignorant? Dope?

2005-03-05T01:35:00.000-05:00

1) This is in reply to (support of? agreement with?) an email from Dennis, which was an excellent rant. The basic complaint was how society seems to be working towards keeping people as stupid as possible so that they will be complicit, docile participants in the plans of evil-spirited manipulators. A few choice quotations:

"I hate it when politicians say things like "the people are fed up. They want [blah blah]..." Either you have talked to a zillion people and done your research, or YOU'RE TELLING THEM WHAT TO THINK.
People are so stupid.

And we're doing a good job of keeping people stupid."

"As a evil-spirited manipulator (that's me!) I would love it if the world stayed stupid. Governments love it, businesses love it, and I love it. I should take advantage of this... but I deep down wish everyone wasn't stupid."

"The problem with the world is that I keep getting smarter, and the stupid keep getting more numerous."

I am totally in agreement with this. Except I would feel better using the term ignorant as opposed to stupid. If you are born with less than average intelligence that really is no fault of your own. And I would feel a little guilty using that against you, or taking advantage of that. Ignorance is different. Ignorance being close-mindedness, not making the effort to take in the world around you, nor making yourself aware of your surroundings and the things that influence your daily life. I know I tend to use these terms interchangeably, but I'm trying to shift my focus to ignorance.

On one hand, it saddens me to observe the level of ignorance in many people. People who don't want to think about the bigger issues or pay attention to world events or learn more about the things that inevitably affect them. Otherwise reasonably intelligent people who just don't care or who are too lazy to care, because that involves some thinking and, well, how can I think and shop and watch reality TV at the same time? People who prefer distraction to action. Ignorance is bliss, for that particular person, but not for society. (Wow, some great catch phases there - be the first to get that on a T-shirt.)

It makes me wish that more people would wake up.

On the other hand, it is very easy to use that to your advantage, if you go about it right. Political, financial, general world domination... You can get away with a lot when people are too lazy to care or think about what you're doing. Or if it looks like fun for them. And people have a very short attention span for things that aren't in their backyard, shitting on their porch.

It would be cool if you could use their very ignorance against them and subvert that ignorance with their ignorance. How? I haven't thought that far ahead.

Anyhow, Dennis, I'm with you. Lets start taking advantage of it. Ruthless world-domination, here we come! As soon as I move out of the basement of course.

2) I'm sure everyone has heard of the four RCMP officers who were killed in the line of duty in Alberta on Thursday. A very sad reminder of the danger in the job and how we take law enforcement personnel for granted a lot of the time. There's no way in hell I could ever do that sort of job, so I have a lot of respect for those who can.

Unfortunately, it's become a hotpoint for marijuana grow-ops and the proposed decriminalization of marijuana. It really shouldn't be an issue. It's really irrelevant what sort of criminal activity the suspect was involved in. He had a long history of run-ins with police and numerous criminal activities in his past. He had a fascination with guns, was a dangerous recluse, and generally was one of those fucking nuts you just wished would off themselves in a drunken stupor. Even his own dad called him a "wicked devil."

But because the officers were investigating stolen property and found a marijuana grow-op, that has become the focus of the attention and seems to be spurning a renewed anti-marijuana sentiment in a lot of people. Why is marijuana the focus? Why not the rapid assault rifle he used to kill the officers, which is only designed to kill people rapidly, and is generally only owned by people who do, or who expect to kill a lot of people rapidly. Why not renewed focus on assault rifles?

The argument is that grow-ops are run by organized crime and are an enormous source of money for organized crime. Thus these criminals have a high stake in protecting their operations and defending them in dangerous ways. OK, well why not legalize it and completely eliminate this source of funding for the criminals? Why is this so difficult?

It's a product that many people use. Many scientific studies have shown it to be safe and definitely no more harmful that cigarettes or booze. Regulate the shit out it, tax the hell out of it if you want, but make it accessible for people in a way that doesn't involve organized crime. If people want to grow a couple plants in their backyard for personal use - let them. How does that harm anyone?

Police resources can be freed up to fight other more serious crimes. The government will have a new source of revenue. Organized crime will take a huge financial hit. Regular people who enjoy a toke won't get criminal records. Treat it like any controlled substance; charge people if they are driving under the influence, similar to alcohol.

I don't understand the hypocrisy; because so many people who get blindingly drunk and violent and irresponsible under the influence of their substance don't want people to get stoned and mellow under the influence of this substance. There's such a ridiculous stigma attached and I don't understand it.

3) Lloyd Axworthy, you da bomb!

Dude, this song tastes like shit!

2005-03-02T23:45:00.000-05:00

Terribly uninspired of late (obviously), so here are three things that required the least amount of thought or imagination possible:

1) This is so cool. There could something incredibly witty there, but not now.

2) And this is why I don't get a flu shot. What a waste of a puncture.

3) A funny line from the book I'm currently reading, Cloud Atlas:

"Sometimes the fluffy bunny of incredulity zooms round the bend so rapidly that the greyhound of language is left, agog, in the starting cage."

Twenty Dollars, Baby

2005-02-28T23:15:00.000-05:00

1) I pulled a muscle in my neck early this morning and so I've been walking around crippled all day long. It's motherf**king painful and annoying. This is a good one too - it's going to hang around for a while, I can tell.

2) The weekend was great fun. I remember having a lot of really good conversations and talking about a lot of cool things. I always think, "hey, I should blog about this," because a lot of cool ideas get thrown around. And then when it comes time to blog, like now, I can't remember a damned thing we were talking about. Must be all that amnesia serum I'm taking.

3) I think I have to go and see Million Dollar Baby, now. The trouncing at the Oscars, combined with a couple trusted sources who said that it was really good and that there was more to it than meets the eye, has got me intrigued. That and Hilary Swank's dress.

Country

2005-02-25T01:51:00.000-05:00

1) Good on 'ya, Paul. No missile defence plan for us, thank you very much.

"The outgoing U.S. ambassador to Canada reacted swiftly, saying the decision to defend North America now rests with Washington.

"We simply cannot understand why Canada would in effect give up its sovereignty – its seat at the table – to decide what to do about a missile that might be coming towards Canada," said Paul Cellucci."

Well, with all due respect, Mr. Cellucci, I can pretty much guarantee you that no-one wants to launch missiles at us. Canada is a lot of things. We have an obvious inferiority complex. We are not really major players in the international scene. We are wafflers, sometimes, maybe... maybe not. We don't strike fear into the hearts of many nations. We are too American to be European and too European to be American. We are totally wimping out on Kyoto (but at least we signed it). We desperately seek approval and shit ourselves with excitement if we get any recognition from the US. We also love to gloat about the things we think make us better than the US.

But no-one has an urge (and we are not fearful of such an urge developing) to launch missiles at us. We slide under the radar most of the time and when we do make noise, it's probably because we're peacekeeping or winning Olympic hockey games - so there's not a lot of reason for people to get all pissy at us.

If someone did decide to attack us, we'd be toast. And I'd hope that the US would step in to defend us - not because we are freeloaders and expect that sort of thing, but because the US recognizes a good friend. We do like the US, but we are not yes-men and women.

2) I hate to diss the country radio again, but...

Today's 5 song common theme was "the birth of new baby." But I could have sworn it was "ridiculously calculated tear-jerking melodrama featuring an exceedingly over-indulgent flourish on the final chords."

3) I'm kinda tired of always posting about things I don't like, or things that I can make fun of. I think it makes me look like a really negative person. I'm not. I mean, yes, there are certain things that I could be happier about right now, but I'm not one big ball of tightly-wound crabbiness. Yet.

One, it's much easier to say what you don't like. When you actually profess to love something or someone or whatever, you're completely laying yourself out on the table. I think that what defines us are the people and things that we are passionate about and love and like and think are nifty. Opening up about what really turns your crank is essentially like dumping the contents of your personality purse out on the sofa for all to see. And judge. And for all the judging I do - I am painfully over-sensitive to that very judgment turned my way.

Another thing is that talking about things I hate or think are stupid gives me a chance to be all cynical and sarcastic and shit, which I do enjoy. It's fun taking the piss out of people who are idiots but think they're great. I try to be funny about it - with varying degrees of success, I'll think you'll all agree. They don't call it "making fun of..." for nothing - it really is fun.

From now on it's sunshine, lollipops and rainbows (sunburn, tooth decay and fruitless searches for non-existent gold).

42

2005-02-23T23:02:00.000-05:00

1) So I picked up the books I am planning on reading from the library this afternoon. And I started and actually finished The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy tonight. I know I read fast, but I wasn't expecting to fly through it quite so quickly. One down, four to go...

It was a very enjoyable read with many laugh out loud lines. Plus a few more great T-shirt ideas. I'm actually really glad I read it under these circumstances because I am definitely going to check out the movie, which will be out soon (starring Martin Freeman, yay!). I can now watch the movie and enjoy it because I have an idea of the premise and the characters and what's going on, but I won't be one of those ubergeek super-hardcore fans who are going to bitch about every single thing in the movie because it's not true to the spirit of the book, yadda yadda.

(The word won't bugs me. Shouldn't it be willn't?)

2) While in town picking up the books, I stopped for a hot chocolate and had a very strange conversation with a very strange man. Actually, it wasn't so much a conversation as much as a "I'll stand here and listen nervously to this crazy old man, waiting for the inevitable sucker punch, for as long as it takes me to put on my gloves and zip up my coat, then I'm outta here."

He was going on about how we're going into a huge recession "the likes of which we haven't seen for forty years." He was pretty excitable and getting more and more enthused about the topic the longer I stood and humoured him, so I figured I should duck out of there before he whipped out the easel and the pie charts. He may have been nuts, but he sure talked a good game, what with the economics and distribution of wealth and sharing the cost burden and interest rates and all.

"Interest rates will skyrocket!"

3) I honestly believe that our cat, Kia, is the most pathetically desperate attention-whore on this planet.

Except for me of course.

Already Got It Covered

2005-02-22T23:28:00.000-05:00

1) This feature on bands who do covers is interesting, and similar to something I talked about earlier on this blog.

2) I tend to describe myself as laid back and easy going, but now I'm starting to wonder if that is just cover for actually being lazy and not taking chances.

3) These days, the traditional letter is something very rarely written. The time and care invested in handwriting a message to someone seems quaint; relegated to Grandmas and long-distance lovers. Even the walk to the mailbox to drop off the letter seems old-fashioned and charming. But sending a form to the people at OSAP to tell them that, yes, they can starting taking money of my account to pay back my student loans, doesn't quite cut it.

Boobs And Whatnot

2005-02-21T23:44:00.000-05:00

1) At the pool hall tonight, on big screen TV, was the worst example of why ESPN2 is one more sports related station than the world needs. I'm not quite sure the premise of the show because there was no sound, but basically, it was an excuse to watch large-breasted, blond, interchangeable girls do stupid shit. I don't know how they managed to turn that premise into a TV show... oh... wait... that's the premise for every TV show.

There were 4 or 5 Barbie clones competing in a series of challenges to win something or other - probably plastic surgery, or a new husband, or a million dollars. I suppose it's the inevitable reality show-meets-extreme sport-meets-network battle of T&A.

The first "sport" was probably the dumbest thing I've ever seen called a sport with a straight face. Essentially they would hold on to a rope and get dragged behind a speed boat, on their belly, for as long as they could. The artificial buoyancy device, er... girl, who held on the longest won. Excuse me? Isn't that basically what you're doing when you suck at water skiing? You've turned failure at a legitimate water sport into a water sport itself?

The other great "sport" was one of the more disgusting things I've ever seen called a sport with a straight face. They had to run 3 miles and along the way eat 3 pounds of food. So every half mile they ran they'd then have to stop and eat a half-pound of various food: chicken wings, burgers, potato salad, etc. It was pretty much a given that they would throw up at some point along the way - which they all did - so they each had their own bucket in which to puke, which they also had to carry with them the whole time. So that part of the show involved watching very ill and tired looking girls running, stuffing food in their mouths, and then vomiting up said food into a bucket. But at least they were large-breasted and blond, right North American males?

It's insulting to me that someone thought that I'd want to watch something so ridiculously stupid and/or disgusting, and be willing to sit through it because at least there were big boobies to stare at. Boobs are great - but they can't make up for shit-awful stupid programming.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to V.I.P.

2) I've been using the word "whatnot" in conversation a lot lately. I don't know how or why I picked it up, but it just seems to come so naturally. I guess there are just a lot of times when I forget what I was saying and trail off. And until I can verbalize an ellipsis, that'll have to do.

3) I generally couldn't give a rat's ass about Paris Hilton and what she's up to, but I thought this story about her hacked phonebook was too funny. The best line in the article:

"And in a message dated Oct. 25, 2004, a to-do list includes reminders to phone rock group Maroon 5 and pick up birth control."

But really, who's to-do list doesn't include that?

One Year Of Good Goatee

2005-02-19T03:48:00.000-05:00

1) My boss is a big country music fan, and I am not. So for the few hours a day when we're both in the office - I am regularly subjected to the local country music radio station. It's gotten to the point where I can sing along to a fair number of songs, and I am not proud of that.

They have these promo ads, which all radio stations do, where listeners say how great the station is and how much they love it. I'm not exactly sure how they did it, but every call-in listener has a utterly moronic Alabama hick-town country accent. "I cain't hardly wake up 'thout listenin' to y'all on the ray-dee-o." It's seriously that bad. And this confuses me because we don't have accents like that in Ontario. I don't know if they trucked in a bunch of yokels specifically for this promo spot, or what. But really, no-one talks like that in Ontario - so how does that get on the air?

And I hate to cast everyone in a particular demographic in the same light, but hey, it's what I do best. The listeners don't appear to be that bright. They have a daily contest where they play 5 songs and you have to guess what the common theme is between all the songs. They are ridiculously easy. Today they played songs that all had "dancing" featured very prominently in the lyrics. I had never heard any of these songs and I picked it out by the third song. There were a lot of callers who couldn't figure this out. There were, in fact, two consecutive callers who said the common theme was that all the songs were covers. The first song they played was a countrified cover of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John, and a travesty at that. Apparently these listeners didn't understand that the "common theme" had to apply to all of the songs. Dummies.

2) I went out after work to a local bar where my sister and a bunch of her work friends were hanging out and drinking. Somehow it was related to their insurance company and so they all ate and drank free from 6 pm to 1 am (reason #35 why I have to sell-out and get into insurance). So I got to drink for free too, which was fun - and ultimately led to me agreeing to do a little karaoke. So I did a duet with my sis. It was "Going the Distance" by Cake which was a perfect pick because the song lacks any real "singing." It's all very monotone and repetitive, which suits my singing style.

Anyhow - I think we nailed it. But her friends said that we weren't nearly loud enough. And I thought I was yelling. But I did have fun.

3) I think it's really unfair that I'm still years away from being able to grow a full beard, and yet I am finding more and more grey hairs. I mean, fuck, let me have at least one year of good goatee before I start going all skunky. Stupid follicles.

I Couldn't Think Of A Clever Title

2005-02-18T00:58:00.000-05:00

1) One argument against those online dating sites:

Smile received from...

"Little Yellow"

Location: Igtorqortormit, Ostgronland, Greenland

Lives approximately 3660 miles from your home.

Coffee might be a bit tricky...

2) I don't read nearly enough. I can hold my own discussing music or movies or politics or current events, but sadly, when it comes to books, I have very little to add to the conversation. The last book I read was Life of Pi, which I really, really enjoyed - but that was at least a year ago. I do enjoy reading, and I usually devour the books in no time - but I have a just real problem deciding to actually start. Plus, there's just so damned many of them out there and I don't know where to begin and what books to choose and who's recommendations to follow.

So in an attempt to be all literary and shit - I've made a list of 5 books to read in the next month or two. These are based on recommendations from a variety of sources. Some of the books are older and some are new. I won't review them or anything, but I will at least keep you updated on when I finish them and what my general impressions are. This is basically so you can call bullshit on me if I don't start them. I'll read them if I know people will publicly humiliate me if I don't actually do it.

So here are the 5 which will start my literary excellent adventure:

Cloud Atlas, David Mitchell
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Mark Haddon
Self, Yann Martel

The Book of Daniel, E.L. Doctorow

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

3) So, because I'm Canadian and all - I suppose I'm obligated to comment on the cancellation of the NHL season this year. I'm not one of those rabid fans who wears nothing but Leafs paraphernalia, knows all the stats or cares about drafts, trades and injury reports - but I do really enjoy watching the Leafs play. On TV. Because I sure as hell can't afford tickets.

At the same time - I can't really say I've missed seeing them play so far this season. I guess if they had been playing and it was on TV I'd turn it on and get into the game - but seeing as it's not there, I could care less. Hopefully most people are like that, too.

It's an embarrassment that greed, on both sides, resulted in the cancellation of a full season of any major league sport for the first time, due to a labour dispute. The owners and players are both idiots and I have zero sympathy for money lost on their part. Owners ridiculously overspent on mediocre players. And these spoiled players do not earn their $5 million a year playing the game - I don't care how hard they work.

It would be cool, if and when next season starts up, if we could boycott the NHL and watch them squirm as they lose more and more money. It will never happen, unfortunately. Boycotts just don't work. There are just too many people who will be so glad to have the one distraction back in their life that makes the rest of their dreary day worth it.

I don't think boycotts work at all. To be effective and send a clear message - you really need an overwhelming majority, if not the entire population, behind it and willing to sacrifice something they want or need to make a point. There is just too much division in ideology with people to get that kind of consensus. Sure a bunch of idealists will hold out and make a lot of noise, but the noise of everyone else's wallets opening will drown that out pretty quickly.

There are just a lot of people with short memories, or who don't particularly care about the larger issues at hand, or the wrongs and injustices being committed as a result of greed, against the rest of the population. They turn a blind eye and hand over their money so they can get what they want. And that's just as much a part of the problem. Most people just aren't willing to go through a little discomfort to make a point.

I would love to see a boycott actually work for something. It would be so cool to see a united stand against some greedy corporation and completely cripple it. Unfortunately, I just can't see it happening.

Hmm... methinks I'm talking about more than just the NHL now.

Quite The Spectacle

2005-02-17T01:04:00.000-05:00

1) I think it's embarrassing and unfortunate when girls, especially younger girls, wear revealing clothes that they are obviously uncomfortable wearing. I was at the mall and saw a girl who was probably in the neighbourhood of sixteen years old, who had the shortest skirt that I have seen in a long time. And it wasn't exactly warm out. She was with a guy, her boyfriend I assume, who had that smug look on his face that seemed to say to everyone: "You like that? She's mine." She was continuously tugging and holding the skirt down at the back because if the slightest breeze blew we would have had a view of everything (not that there was much left to the imagination). Heck, if someone exhaled anywhere near her it would have happened.

You see that often - girls who are wearing tight tops but walk around with their arms crossed obviously in an attempt to obscure their chest a little, and deflect the unwanted attention. Extremely short skirts that are constantly being adjusted and worried over. Now don't get me wrong - I'm a big fan of tight tops and short skirts, but not when the wearer is clearly uncomfortable when wearing them. It's unfortunate when people wear things they are not comfortable in. Because that projects onto your mindset and how you act and interact with people, and just makes for general unpleasantness. I know it did when I wore a black sports bra to the campus bar... lo, those many years ago.

2) Well, I was successful in the hunt the perfect pair of specs. They are exactly what I was looking for. They cost a little more than I was planning on spending but I think it's worth it - considering it is my sight we're talking about. I'll be wearing them everyday for years to come, so it's probably a wise investment. Plus, I'll now be exuding confidence like a mofo. Probably not, actually.

3) Tidbits from this interesting (and maddening) article in the Toronto Star about Iraq and terrorism:

"Meanwhile, new CIA Director Porter Goss told the Senate Intelligence Committee the Iraq war was giving terrorists experience and contacts for future attacks, and FBI Director Robert Mueller expressed worry that a sleeper operative in the U.S. may have been in place for years, awaiting orders for an attack...

..."It may be only a matter of time before Al Qaeda or other groups attempt to use chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear weapons," Goss said at the Senate Intelligence Committee's annual hearing on threats...

In his first testimony as CIA chief, Goss said the Iraq conflict has become a cause for extremists.

"Those jihadists who survive will leave Iraq experienced in and focused on acts of urban terrorism. They represent a potential pool of contacts to build transnational terrorist cells, groups and networks," Goss said...

...Grim at times, the appraisals on threats to the United States indicated the second Bush term would remain fraught with warnings but often short on specifics shared with the public."

Let me see...

Since 9/11, you've basically abandoned the hunt for Osama and the real perpetrators of that attack.

You've fought in an unprovoked and unjust war based on allegations that are now known to be false.

You've made a lot of innocent Iraqis dead, and a lot of living Iraqis very mad.

You're basically acting as a giant terrorist training camp, where only the "best and brightest" fighters will survive and have all kinds of grudges.

You're making all kinds of vague warnings and threats about many countries and terrorist cells who want, and may be planning, to attack you.

You're asking for like, another kagillion dollars to keep fighting all these threats and prevent imminent attacks. "Invade Iraq or we'll get attacked. OK, re-elect Bush or we'll get attacked. OK, now give us the money we want to spend and go even further into debt or we'll get attacked."

Either this many people and nations hate you and want to attack you, or these are just threats to push your agenda through on a wave of fear and paranoia. Either way, I'd say something's wrong with the you.

And I'm spent.

Embracing Rejection

2005-02-15T23:15:00.000-05:00

1) I've recently realized that if I want something if have to go after it. Pretty logical, huh? I've pretty much always been a "but what if" kind of person in terms of taking risks and going after something I want, be it a job, relationship, whatever. That self-doubt creeps in all too easily. I've rarely taken risks with anything - accepting what comes my way has always been my approach. I guess I sell myself short, or convince myself that I'll get turned down, and so I avoid that by not even trying.

But who isn't afraid of rejection? It's going to happen to everyone, at some point. It's basically unavoidable, and so accepting that and moving on and learning from it should be a normal part of life. Of course it's mildly crushing to your ego, but if you don't even bother to try, well then you're missing out on an essential part of living. Or so I'm told.

So I'm trying to embrace rejection from now on.

2) Sideways is such great movie. I saw it with my aunt and cousin tonight. It has such a relaxed pace, but still manages to go off on quite entertaining tangents. Beautiful scenery. And it makes me want to drink wine. A lot. And it has one the greatest scenes of "missing that one window of opportunity to make that move." So good.

3) I'm pretty sure that I am going to get some new glasses tomorrow. Something a little "hipper" and "trendier" and "edgier" and "geekier" and "clichéd."

Je Ne Sais Quoi?

2005-02-13T23:57:00.000-05:00

1) I've been neglectifying my 3 things the last few days because I just haven't had that special je ne sais quoi that I need to make pointless little stories become pointless drawn-out stories. And I won't pretend that I have it right now, either.

2) I switched a shift at work next weekend, so I have four straight days off. I had better be productive. I will be successful at something this week - I just don't know what.

3) Valentine's Day. Pfft. Whatever. I'm not bitter. Or lonely. I said I'm not.

"If it wasn't for pot-luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all"

2005-02-10T00:45:00.000-05:00

1) I just remembered that we're having a pot-luck lunch at work on Friday. I signed up but I forgot about it and now I'm scrambling to think of something and figure out how I'm going to prepare it. Fortunately I didn't actually say what I was going to make, so at least my unlimited possibilities of failure are open-ended. They kind of frown upon people just buying stuff and bringing it - they encourage us to actually prepare something. But really, I can pretend I have an industrial size deep fryer in my kitchen and access to reams of chicken wings, right? They're not going to know.

If any of you have a relatively simple recipe you could share - immediately - that would be very helpful. Failing that, you could Fed-Ex the actual prepared meal and I'll make sure you get props at the pot-luck. One-day delivery preferably. Thanks.

2) Dear Mississauga Transit:

Your inconsistency is stunning, really. You are either 10 minutes early or 15 minutes late, and when this occurs between two consecutive buses that run on a half-hour schedule, that means I stand in the cold for 45 minutes, waiting and getting increasingly angry and devising ways to tell off the poor driver who probably has nothing to do with the schedule problems. And when I call your schedule phone number to find out when I can actually expect the bus to show up, it doesn't do me much good that your automated service tells me what time the bus would theoretically arrive in a perfect world of sunshine and empty roads and no such thing as traffic lights. It would be much more helpful if you indicated delays or changes in arrival times.

Please try to obey the temporal limits of a 24-hour day and the associated standard increments of time. It's worked out pretty well for the rest of modern society.

And bite my ass.

3) I don't particularly like unions, but I don't particularly like Wal-Mart more. If we keep this up, we could totally rid ourselves of this damned store. Not the intended outcome, I'm sure, but one less Wal-Mart won't make me cry.

Post #100-And-Something, I Think... I Don't Know

2005-02-09T01:16:00.000-05:00

1) It's great going shopping for winter gloves (I left mine on the bus) at this time of year during all the winter clearance sales. They're so cheap. Except that the selection is horrible, the right size is nowhere to be found and it's damned near impossible to find them anywhere. I hate going shopping for winter gloves at this time of year.

2) Got a haircut again at the old Italian guy's barbershop. He was talking about Chinese New Year and how a guy who was in earlier tried to teach him how to say "Kung Hei Fat Choi." But with his Italian accent it sounded like he was swearing in three different languages. It was really funny.

3) Too many people walk around looking unimpressed or bored, staring at the pavement. They avoid eye contact or smiling or saying hello to people they pass by. People just generally don't look happy or approachable when they're out on their own. I am certainly guilty of this. It's to the point where we are wary and suspicious of strangers who look like they're having too much fun or especially if they talk to you out of the blue. I want to try a little harder to look a little more friendly and approachable when I'm out. I should probably stop wearing that "Fuck You, Stranger" t-shirt.

It's hard though, with headphones permanently attached to my ears. I wouldn't ever give that up. So I'm kinda stuck...

One Holy Catch-22

2005-02-08T01:26:00.000-05:00

1) Stephen Harper, when our government said we weren't sending troops to Iraq, you said we should. Now that there's a vague possibility that we might, you're saying we shouldn't. You are the worst example of everything that's wrong with all politics everywhere. "Flip-flopping?" Politicians of every stripe will use every issue and every event and manage to spin it into a criticism of the other party, no matter what it actually means the critics implicitly support by saying it.

2) I don't know much about religion, but here's a question that Mark brought up that's making me think...

Why is Judas such an evil figure? If Judas didn't go all back-stabbing on Jesus, then he wouldn't have been crucified. And the entire religion of Christianity is based on the sacrifice that Jesus made for all of our sins, right? So if Jesus hadn't been betrayed and crucified and died and come back to life and been all like, "Booyah! Son of God, here... can't nobody hold me down... " then he would have been a fairly minor character - a good guy, yeah, but not "Our Saviour." So, the entire religion is based on the events that would not have happened, if those who love Jesus and hate Judas had had their way. That's one holy catch-22. So how does that work? Is this reconciled in any religious texts, or am I just out to lunch?

3) A little cheesy, and something I'd normally find too heartfelt and touching to post, but I like these lyrics from "If You Find Yourself Caught In Love" by Belle & Sebastian. Maybe it's the mood I'm in...

"If you find yourself caught in love

Say a prayer to the man above

Thank him for everything you know

You should thank him for every breath you blow

If you find yourself caught in love

Say a prayer to the man above

Thank him for every day you pass

You should thank him for saving your sorry ass"

Holy shit, did I just quote a Belle & Sebastian song thanking the man above for love?

Where was my maudlin censor on that one??

Umm... fuckin' football! Yeah! Patriotic Eagles!

Birthday Of The Year!

2005-02-07T02:18:00.000-05:00

1) Well, I can't thank enough all of the people who made my birthday weekend such a wicked time. I've said it before but I'll say it again - I have the best friends... ever!

Thanks to everyone who called, emailed, or left comments on the blog to say happy birthday. HUGE thanks to everyone in Toronto who helped in organizing, and had a part in my birthday celebrations and merry-making. I had such a good time and I couldn't have spent it with a better group of people. Unless Natalie Portman and Emily Haines called me up for a little get-together, in which case I would have ditched you guys, like, so fast.

For those who don't know what I did on this superfly weekend:

We went to a great little restaurant and stuffed ourselves silly. I had duck confit which was ridiculously tasty. I also had a lot of wine which was ridiculously tasty. From what I gathered, everything was ridiculously tasty. Including our waitress. Yowsah!

After that we went back to M&M's (that's what I'm calling you guys from now on) and had a few more drinks, some amazing birthday cake and some great gifts. I got a bunch of really good CD's, all of which I already listened to at work Sunday evening:

Apostle of Hustle - Folkloric Feel

Belle & Sebastian - Dear Catastrophe Waitress

Deerhoof - Milk Man

Kids These Days - All These Interruptions (Mark, you were right about this - I'm totally diggin' it.)

Also... apparently some people actually take notice of all the inane things I talk about here. You heard me talk about how great it would be to have a "thwart corporate chicanery" t-shirt. Well, I am now the proud owner of what is, quite possibly, the greatest t-shirt ever. Custom-made, from Kensington Market. Thank you so much. I love it. I may just have to get a picture of me wearing it and have it posted as the first and only picture on my blog. If I can get my hands on a digital camera...

So, after donning the shirt, we headed out to a pool hall/bar under the guise that I would be able to show-off my astounding pool skills. Unfortunately it was really busy so we weren't able to get our own table. I did get to play a couple games with some friends we ran into. I think that's it good thing I didn't have to show my "skills" because apparently I have none. It was all that wine and cake and confit, I'm sure.

We ended up at Sneaky D's just down the street for some much-unneeded, but very welcome beer. Then there's a cab ride and some haziness, but it was all really fun. And I woke up feeling like 28 million bucks. I have no clue how.

On all accounts it was my best birthday this year. And I have a feeling that will hold up for the rest of 2005.

Once again, thanks everyone.

2) It was funny today, walking around I saw so many people reading The Star, which has a big article: "Why do they hate Toronto?" It's long and I haven't got through it all yet, but I think it's pretty funny. We are self-absorbed. But so is everyone else.

3) The funniest and most relevant words of wisdom I've ever received at the end of an online quiz:

"It's OK to be a jerk, as long as you're a funny jerk. Just remember that the difference between a jackass and an asshole is a jackass doesn't know what he's doing.

Be the very best asshole you can be, my friend."

"Talk About Your Genetic Deficiencies"

2005-02-04T01:55:00.000-05:00

1) This week I bought the Men's Health Training Guide 2005 booklet. It's all about fitness and exercises and working out and nutrition and running and all sorts of things that I am slowly introducing myself to. I also used a gift card I had to pick up one of those sports clip-on CD player wallet thingies so I can have my tunes when I'm running and not have to carry the discman. It's more of that financial guilting process to get in the best shape that I've ever been in.

Getting in the best shape I've ever been in isn't really that much of challenge actually - so long as I don't tire while eating I'm already there. So I'm shooting a little higher than that. When there is a perceived attack, harm or threat to my survival, and my body's fundamental physiological response to such stresses kicks in, I want at least one of my innate automatic inborn responses to work. As it stands now, "fight or flee" will be painfully unsuccessful on both counts. I'd like at least one option.

So, by the time summer rolls around, I'll pointing out beaches all over the place. That or I'll make some money on eBay selling all this fitness crap.

2) I have a suit now! Yay! Finally!

3) I think the banjo is a totally underrated instrument. I'm not talking about backwoods 4th-generation inbred banjo plucking. I'm talking about banjo being used in popular/rock/post rock/indie music. Some of my favourite songs make really good use of the banjo, even if it's only a very small bit. It just adds a nice twangy, higher-end, slightly sloppy sound. Some good examples:

Bukowski - Modest Mouse

2 Rights Make 1 Wrong - Mogwai

Anthems For A Seventeen Year-Old Girl - Broken Social Scene

In Other Words - Ben Kweller

For The Turnstiles - Neil Young

Sexx Laws - Beck

And yes, Duelling Banjos in "Deliverance" kicked some ass too.

For anyone who cares...

Boriefing, If You Will

2005-02-03T12:01:00.000-05:00

Gonna be brief and boring... boriefing, if you will.

1) I had my physical today. A very efficient, friendly and painless family doctor, I've got; I was out the door before I realized that I had just been felt up.

2) I went suit shopping with the parents today - it's my birthday present that they've been trying to get me for years. I keep saying "get me a stereo, or guitar, or iPod, or CD's," because I don't really want anything "practical" that will help me "mature" into a "functional adult" or "demonstrate professionalism." But I can't avoid it anymore. I'm looking for something dark grey or charcoal I guess, reasonably stylish but not too trendy, versatile, and not ridiculously priced.

3) From a relatively innocuous article in the Star (login required) about corporate fraud on Bay Street: the greatest phrase ever!

"thwart corporate chicanery"

I'm totally getting that put on a t-shirt. You think I'm kidding...

Hat FM

2005-02-02T00:41:00.000-05:00

It's my birthday on Friday, but I'm not saying that to coyly remind you. It sets the context for these three things.

1) Two of the birthday cards I received in the last week...

From my grandfather in England:

"A man was trying to decide which of three women he should marry. He gave them each £1000. The first one spent £900 on clothes and put £100 in the bank... The second one spent £500 on clothes and put £500 in the bank... The third one spent £100 on clothes and put £900 in the bank... Which one did he choose?

... The one with the big tits."

From my aunt:

"Knock knock! Who's there? A topless dancer with a keg of beer! A topless dancer with a keg of beer who?

... Who cares?! Get in here!!"

Does this explain everything?

2) I watched an episode of The Office today, and it just happened to be the one where Tim was celebrating his 30th birthday with Hat FM. Tim is obviously the most identifiable character in the show for most viewers. But in this particular episode, at this particular time, I feel like I am Tim:

Still living at home with the parents - check.

Unhappy with the current job - check.

Receiving well-meaning but kitschy radio-themed birthday presents - check.

Frustratingly single - check.

Giant inflatable rubber penis - soon, I hope.

"I like ballet, I love the novels of Proust, I love the work of Alan Delon, and that's I think what influenced her buying me Hat FM. I like the radio too!"

3) I went out for my birthday dinner this evening with the family because I'll be working the evening of my actual birthday and I likely won't be home on Saturday. We went to a local restaurant that has traditionally been the default "family celebration dinner" location. It was great, I'm still burping surf'n'turf.

It was really good dinnertime conversation too, surprisingly. Usually, dinner is strictly feeding time and we don't really talk about much anyways, but tonight we were having a great conversation. Politics, mostly, but a number of other topics. With our family we rarely talk about family things, like "feelings" or "emotions," and we don't talk about each other. When we do have the occasional good conversations, it's always about current events or politics or music or movies. "Things" as opposed to familial relationship-type feelings or emotions or blah-blah-blah.

Are most families like this? I kind of feel like our family is a collection of strangers sometimes - where we have certain interests or ideas in common, and we can talk all night and very passionately about them. But I feel like we haven't broken down the barriers to talk about our relationships with each other, or about more personal things. Well, my mom and my sister perhaps, but my dad and I have mastered the stiff British lip and suppressing the display of, or talking about, emotions.

Sometimes I wish I was Italian and yelled all the time...

OJ2: This Time It's An "M"

2005-02-01T00:54:00.000-05:00

1) Great. Michael Jackson's trial has started, and so now all of North America (at least) will be subjected to more boring and irrelevant details of every minute aspect of this trial for the next six months, every goddamned day on every damned news channel. It's like OJ all over again. And I was so sick of OJ by the end of that thing. Yeah, the slo-mo Bronco car chase held my attention for an evening, but I doubt that MJ could top that one. My only hope is that Bubbles the chimp will make as entertaining a houseguest as good ol' Kato Kaelin did. At least he'll be a better conversationalist. Come to think of it, there are a lot of parallels between these cases. "If the sequined glove doesn't fit, you must acquit." Think about it...

2) A scary fact that registered in my head today: the genocide in Rwanda killed nearly one million people in about three months. Nobody did anything to intervene and it was basically ignored by the rest of the world. I vaguely remember talking about it in current events back in high school, but obviously the magnitude of it was unknown to me at that time. That goes the same for my teachers and probably the majority of the world.

A major part of how oblivious we were to the problem, here in North America at least, was the fact that everyone was distracted by the OJ case. It's amazing how many instances of legitimate, tragic, or generally unpleasant news stories from around the world are ignored in favour of glamourized bullshit like this (Clinton and Monica, etc...). It makes me fear that something equally tragic and horrible could happen during the distraction of the MJ case. Sound bites and his wardrobe choices will be the focus of every news, quasi-news and entertainment-news program, and people will talk about it like it's the most important and relevant event in the world. It frustrates me. So I will mention it no more.

Another part of the problem is obviously racism. Institutionalized or explicit, the world just didn't seem to care about a bunch of black people in Africa killing each other. The outpouring of global grief and support for the tsunami victims is heart-warming and amazing. But why did something similar not occur with Rwanda? The thousands of tsunami victims were a result of catastrophic, but indiscriminate natural forces. In Rwanda, thousands of victims were a result of the worst examples of the evil that humans are capable of inflicting on each other. Surely, that is at least as deserving of our concern and assistance, if not more so.

With the starvations, the civil wars and genocides, and now AIDS, we're just so used to seeing black people die in Africa. It's really disheartening and criminal to see how much this continent is ignored. No oil, I guess. The sooner we move to a different energy source, the better.

Thus ends the latest rant.

3) I am applying for a job that pretty much incorporates most of my wish list. I don't want to jinx it or anything, but it seems really cool and I'll keep you updated.

Feeling Kneedy (Ooh, that's a bad pun...)

2005-01-31T01:26:00.000-05:00

1) When I read about Bill O'Reilly of Fox "News" dissing the CBC, my deeply buried patriotic streak peeked it's head out, ever so briefly, to say "Fuck you, Bill O'Reilly, fuck you up your evil, right-wing, sexual-harassing ass." You can hate everyone else in the world, and I'll be happy to ignore you (except to occasionally stop and laugh at your "fair and balanced" opinions), but just don't mess with my news. And then I found this website and felt so much better.

2) So I've figured out that my right knee hurts because I have an insufficiency of the vastus medialis obliquus (VMO) muscle in my right leg. This muscle is responsible for extending the leg at the knee and draws the patella (knee cap) medially. In this case, the muscle is weak and thus full extension is not attained during gait and the knee can tend to buckle. People who suffer from this often compensate by walking with the affected leg externally rotated in order to help "lock" the knee at heel strike. I have been walking with my right leg slightly turned out for years and have not really been sure why.

This imbalance results in my knee cap pushing against the grooves in my thigh bone and causes pain, mainly when running. This is known as patellofemoral syndrome (PFS) and is one of the most common causes of knee pain in runners. When I bought my running shoes a couple months ago the guy at the store watched me run and pretty much detected the weakness in this muscle after only a few paces. He recommended some exercises to strengthen the weak VMO muscle, which I must say, I haven't really done.

It's fascinating and rewarding, actually, do a little research on something and totally find an explanation that puts all the pieces together. I feel like a detective, a medical detective. Thank you internet. Time to start exercising that muscle.

(Update: Apparently, I don't know the difference between my left and right)

3) I was lying awake last night before I fell asleep and I was wishing I had the ability to hear what people say about me when I'm not around. Not because I'm paranoid that people are bad-mouthing me or anything like that. I just think it would be really enlightening(?) to find out how you influence or affect people when you're not actually there interacting with them. I wouldn't expect to hear people going off on discourses on how great I am or diatribes about how annoying I am. I would just like to know the small, little instances where I come up in conversation and in what context I am mentioned. I think it would be fascinating to see what ideas/thoughts/things that I get attached to in my friends' minds.

And yes, I am totally self-absorbed.

My Ears! My Poor Ears!

2005-01-29T00:49:00.000-05:00

1) Bastards! Some things are just so damned unfair. That's like Donald Trump complaining that he has too much money. Or Hugh Hefner complaining that there are too many boobies around.

2) The following conversation took place between me and my boss when I got to work on Friday:

Boss: So, what's going on in Paul's world lately?

Me: Uh... well... I don't really have anything that I can tell you.

Boss: You can't say because there's nothing going on? Or it's top secret...
Me: The former...

{Pause}

Me: Although, there's so very little going on in my life that I wish it was top secret.

Boss: Ah, one of those things.

3) When I was walking through the mall earlier in the week I passed a couple of "thugged out" guys going the other way and only caught one line of the conversation; which must have been quite a doozy...

"... but no, my dick is fit, yo..."

And on that note.

Stripped Of Electrons

2005-01-28T02:14:00.000-05:00

I will give you a reprieve from the downward turn that this blog seems to have taken in the last little while. I will not complain here.

1) I really do have a lot of good things going for me. I could be way worse off, so I should be aware of that and try to focus on the things that are positive. Such as:

I have an amazing group of friends who, collectively, are the smartest, funniest, coolest, most talented and sexiest people in the whole wide world. If I didn't have you guys, I don't know what I'd do. This goes for you people I see almost weekly, and those who I have only been in contact with via email for a long time. You all rock. Coming into the city to visit is always the highlight of my week, whether it's going out and painting the town rouge, or just sitting on our asses staring at each other. You're a good-looking bunch to be staring at.

I have my (relative) health. My sinus infection is clearing up and it's such a relief. I haven't been running for a while because my knee has been sore - but it's almost better and I will be easing back into the running next week when it warms up a bit. My eating habits are infinitely better than a year or two ago and I can definitely notice the difference.

My family is, in all honesty, great. Yes, there are issues and I can bad-mouth some of them, sometimes. But I know that as soon as I am out of the house, my relationship with my parents will greatly improve. I didn't plan on living at home this long and I'm sure they didn't plan on having their kids living at home this long - so it's difficult for all of us. But they can be cool... sometimes... when they're not reading. 'Cause I swear they do little else.

As cheesy as it sounds, I have music. My life is soundtracked by such a wide variety of awesome music that I sincerely couldn't live without. Exposure to new music and discovering my new favourite bands is one of my greatest pleasures in life. Fortunately, I can afford to buy new CD's (too often) and see great live shows (not enough) and play my guitar like a rock star (in my dreams).

I'm really glad that I'm doing this blogging thing, too. I didn't know if I would stick it out for any length of time or if my writing would be any good or if anyone would bother (or appreciate) reading what I wrote. I think my writing skills have greatly improved and it's definitely encouraged me to be more observant and think about things a lot more (and go off on a rant once in a while). Because if I can't entertain you guys, well, at least I'll entertain myself. And I certainly didn't expect to get to know complete strangers well enough to really look forward to hearing about what they were up to yesterday.

2) I've been thinking about what it is, exactly, that indicates that you are growing up, or maturing. I suppose it's different for everyone, assuming that one is conscious of their maturation. Because I'm sure some people never mature, or were always mature. I think the biggest sign is taking responsibility - for your actions, your decisions, your health, your problems. It is for me. I've never exactly relished responsibility. I've always had a "fly by the seat of my pants and hope for the best but not actually prepare for anything" attitude.

In the last year especially, I've done a lot of evaluating of my personality and my situation and pretty much my whole life. I've made decisions and changes for the better in some aspects of my life. In other areas, there's plenty 'o work still to do. But the fact that I am evaluating my faults and thinking about their roots and how I can improve myself is pretty astounding. Because I used to be delusional in my perfectness. No, actually, I just used to be pretty fatalistic about what happened in my life. It came from not really having to do any hard work or expend any great effort to get by, quite successfully, for a long time when I was younger.

When things fall into your lap pretty easily for long enough, you can begin to think that either 1) you deserve them, or 2) you're lucky and things will always fall into place. Either way, you just get used to riding things out and expecting things to take care of themselves. Once things eventually don't necessarily go the way you had hoped, it's hard to get out of that frame of mind and realize that "Yes, it is up to me to make things happen the way I want them to."

It wasn't some epiphinal realization that this was what I had to do. It's been a slow process of taking responsibility for things. And getting older and ever so slightly more aware of your own mortality helps, too.

Another big indication of "growing up" (whatever that is) for me, is the appreciation of those people who are close to me. My friends. At this point in our lives, we have known many people and been very good friends with many people. And many have completely disappeared from our lives, for whatever reasons. So I know that the ones I have now have stood the test of time and hung around despite spells of geographic separation or periods of relatively little contact. As you get older and more and more people enter and leave your life, the ones who remain close for such a long time are the best, and are deserving of your appreciation. Realizing this is maturity.

3) OK, one more positive thing... how about a joke, one that I will make up right now...

Shit, it's really hard to make up a joke on the spot...

Screw it.

:(

2005-01-27T01:41:00.000-05:00

1) On the bus ride into TO on Tuesday afternoon, I noticed an odd, decrepit-looking building just off the highway that I hadn't seen before. It was the "Boilermakers Brotherhood Building." I imagine a brotherhood of boilermakers would be about as tough and scary and intimidating as a union could possibly be. Do they even make boilers anymore? What is a boiler for? What is its purpose aside from creaking, shaking, emitting steam and blowing gauges for dramatic effect in movies? There's just so much I don't know.

2) I can't think of anything else to say that doesn't involve complaining, and frankly, I'm sick of doing that, and I'm sure you're more than sick of hearing it.

3) Soon, I'll have something good to say.

Hello Internet. Welcome To My Neuroses.

2005-01-25T01:10:00.000-05:00

1) It's been a few days since I posted because I was really tired on Friday night, quite drunk and not home on Saturday night and consequently very tired again on Sunday night. I watched "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle" on Saturday night, assisted by the "recommended viewing enhancements" and my god, that movie is funny. I'm not even going to try to explain why it was funny or justify my opinion or even remember what the movie was about, but I enjoyed it. Verily.

2) I went to the doctor's today to see about this chronic congestion and sniffling that I've been suffering for six weeks now. I had my head X-rayed. There really is nothing more creepy and unsettling that seeing your own skull. It's like seeing what you'll look like when you're eventually dead. Anyways it turns out that my sinus cavities are extremely fluid-filled, and my doctor gave me a prescription for some antibiotics and some anti-inflammatory nasal spray. And it's not cheap. And I don't have a drug plan 'cuz I'm only part time. And explaining that to the pharmacist on the cusp of my 28th birthday was another shot in the arm. I need a new job. Fast. Or I need full time hours at my present job at the very least. I need to move out. I need to keep on keepin' on.

The job search is going so-so. Actually, It's quite depressing. The "perfect job" that utilizes my educational background basically doesn't exist, unless I want to do a Ph.D. and be a professor, which I don't. Any jobs that are most closely related to my education and field of research are engineering jobs, which I'm not qualified for unless I want to do another 3+ years of school, at least, which I also don't want (and can't afford) to do. Plus there's the fact that I'm not really convinced that I would want to do that type of work anyway. Any jobs that look really cool and seem like something I could really enjoy, I have zero relevant educational or work experience. So that leaves me with the jobs that I could do that I don't really want to do and don't require the overindulgent education I've amassed. *Sigh*

I didn't go to school for a guaranteed job at the end of it. It's not like there's a corporate ladder that I want to pay my dues and climb, or that all I considered school to be was preparation for the working world. But that being said, I'd like to think that my 7+ years of university would afford me a little bit of clout in looking for jobs. I guess in my field it would be great for finding that "perfect job" - but now I've come full circle. I dunno, maybe I should have no trouble finding a great job with my education. Maybe I'm just going about it all wrong - maybe it's me. Who am I kidding, it is me. Confidence... fading... quickly... Feeling... sorry... for... myself...

Somebody tell me how great I am. Please. Either that or tell me to shut the fuck up and just do what I have to do. I vote for the former.

3) I am super-stoked about Tuesday night. An evening with the Trailer Park Boys and the Broken Social Scene tsunami benefit concert are sure to be a fine time. I'll see all you TO folks tomorrow evening. I promise not to bitch about my life and job and basement and sinuses because, well, you've already read it all here.

The Vacuum Of Democracy

2005-01-21T01:10:00.000-05:00

1) Yadda yadda presidential inauguration... yadda yadda "freedom"... yadda yadda "liberty"... yadda yadda "justice"... yadda yadda "God bless"... yadda yadda "shipwreck of communism"... Wait, what?

I thought it was the "stalled Yugo of communism?"

2) (Warning: this is going to come across as very angry and incredulous because, well, I am. I wish I could do this without the gratuitous swearing, but I cannot find the words that adequately reflect my dismay that I share air with the likes of these people. Plus, a hearty "fuck you" feels good, too.)

Hey, Focus on the Family, get a life you fucking idiots. You have nothing better to do than imagine homosexual undertones in children's programming and then sputter some bullshit about "insidious manipulation and brainwashing," making your self look not only intolerant but incredibly fucking stupid and laughable? I sincerely hope that you have lost any credibility among Christians. You hate fags? Fine, that's another ignorant problem in itself. But when you actually, with a straight face, talk about the evils of Spongbob Squarepants and how a video featuring a talking sponge is really a classic example of "bait and switch" to lure all those little kiddies into the glamourous and cool world of homosexuality, it seriously hurts my head that people can think that way.

You are making incorrect and just plain stupid assumptions in this ridiculous accusation. You assume one can choose, or get tricked into being gay. You either are, or you aren't. And why would anyone in their right mind choose that lifestyle when there are dicks like you around making their life a living hell. You assume the best way to brainwash kids is through a happy cartoon character. Wrong, everyone knows the best way is through organized religion.

I'll tell you what, if you ever catch little Billy sucking Bobby's dick while wearing a yellow sea-sponge costume, then you can say the biggest fucking "I told you so" ever. But until that day, grow a brain and even a tiny amount of sense and spend your time worrying about other things. Like perhaps how you've warped the message of universal love and tolerance into this fucked up shit that makes every atheist like me wonder in awe how the hell you don't get murdered every day. And I'd rather be flaming gay and have you as my mortal enemy than be straight and have you consider me an equal.

Many people may just laugh this off with a little "Oh those crazy religious fundamentalists..." but I can't. It is a defining example of what I hate about these people. It's ignorance and intolerance, backed-up by sheer, utter, magnificent fucking stupidity, and all the while under the misguided impression that they're right and are sincerely doing good in the world and spreading the love of God.

I needed to get that off my chest. Consider these like letters to the editor that never get sent.

3) I tired myself out with that one. 'Till the next time...

Just Do It But Not If You Can't

2005-01-20T00:07:00.000-05:00

1) Idiotic things I thought today:

Do regular birds look at hummingbirds and think "show-off"?

I want to be Napoleon Dynamite for Halloween but I don't want to wait that long, so I want to be him now.

Every time I hear the word "mudslide" being thrown around in California and B.C., I just think of those yummy Kahlua Mudslides. (OK, this is too funny. Check out Kahlua.com and like the tagline says: "Unleash it in moderation!" Are you kidding me? Could you have two more mutually exclusive concepts in your advertising slogan??)

2) There seems to be some kind of eerie mind-meld I have with all those spammers out there. Spam emails keep appearing in my inbox that seem to coincide with whatever concerns/insecurities I am experiencing that very minute. Why, just this morning, I received one that told me I could "advance my career." How did they know man, how did they know? And what else do they know?

3) What's the deal with CNN? I swear they are solely responsible for the culture of fear in America. Every single time I flip by that channel, they are playing out doomsday scenarios and basically providing a "how to" for any wing-nuts with a grudge. Let's: 1) tell everyone what we are most paranoid about, 2) come up with elaborate scenarios that would wreak the most havoc, 3) detail the catastrophic loss of life, damage, and chaos that would result from said attack, and 4) demonstrate how relatively simple it would be to accomplish such a feat. Hmm, yes, that should make the general public pretty much terrified and jumpy and willing buy into whatever the administration tells you will be for your own good. Jeez!

Today I saw a detailed discussion of the consequences of a thermonuclear bomb attack on L.A. and a breakdown of how a simple attack on Washington during the inauguration would pretty much wipe out the top 135-or-whatever in the order of presidential succession. Could you be any more fear-mongering?

(Could I be anymore like Chandler?)

"This job's just a stop-gap really... But, ultimately I want to play music, write music, and play in a band."

2005-01-19T00:10:00.000-05:00

1) I am officially job-hunting again. The place where I work now has roped me in for another 3 months of part-time work, thus extending my contract until the end of May. I like it there, and I'd work full-time if they offered it to me, but I can only express my desire for full-time work so many times without any kind of indication that it's going to happen. So I have come to terms with that and have decided to look for a full-time job in Toronto that will facilitate a move to Toronto because I need to get out of this damned basement, which I think is making me sick. I know it's making me mentally ill, I just have a sneaking suspicion it's also behind this persistent crappiness that I'm feeling.

I have been coasting on this part-time job for six months now, and while the free time has been fun, I need more money and to move to the city and get things rolling. I know I've been saying this for a while but this time I'm really serious. My goal is to be financially stable enough to be ready to move by the spring.

So, that being said, if anyone knows of any established and lucrative bands in the city who are need of a mediocre guitarist, bad singer, but damned good dancer, let me know.

Seriously, I'm looking for something that incorporates any or all of the following: geography, environment, research, writing, creativity, public outreach/education, media, music, something non-soul-sucking, no paper merchants. I don't know if I'm being completely unrealistic or not, but I'd like to hope that I could find something that works in a few of those things, or all of those things... like... a self-produced variety show that teaches people about Canada's natural heritage or something. I'm sure the CBC would go for that.

If any of you TO folks hear anything or know of anything that may fit this bill, lemme know. And if you know of a place that may not necessarily fit the bill, but you know is a cool place to work with decent people, do the same. Thanks.

2) "The Office" complete series arrived today, much to my glee. This is a result of my Friday night drunken visit to amazon.ca. I wonder else I ordered? Unfortunately I can't spend the whole day Wednesday watching the entire thing because that would set a bad precedent for my renewed "responsible adult job hunt." That's not to say I'm hunting for jobs in the adult industry, though it would make for some interesting resumes and cover letters. I guess I'll have to break the viewing up into an episode or two in the evening, y'know, how TV used to be watched.

3) I light of my chronic illness, and my desperation for relief, I've turned to Don Cherry for help. No actually I've turned to COLD-fX. I'm normally pretty skeptical about "all-natural" "miracle" drugs (the medicinal kind, anyways; the recreational kind have my full faith and support), but I've heard a lot about how effective this stuff is, so I'm giving it a shot. I've also booked another doctor's appointment for next Monday. And when I do walk in there, the first thing I'm doing is kicking this guy in the nads. "It will clear up in a few days" - my ASS!

Kill Me Now

2005-01-17T23:25:00.000-05:00

1) Sick as all crappy-ass fucking hell. Still.

2) Really cranky.

3) Watching lots of DVD's, so there's a remote bright side.

OMG! BSS? TPB? WTF!

2005-01-15T01:53:00.000-05:00

1) Today was a relative non-day in that I can't think of one thing of importance or interest or humour that happened the entire day. I have been out of the news loop a little bit of late and so I don't really have anything to comment on, either. This makes for a bad post, so I'll keep it brief.

2) Never go online shopping at Amazon when you're drunk on pay day. Damn, I hit the "Place your order" button with waaay too much ease...

3) Oh cruel fates! Why does the BSS Tsunami Benefit Concert and An Evening with the Trailer Park Boys have to happen on the same night? I'm already committed to the concert but how cool would it be to see the TPB live. (Thanks for the heads up, Morgan.)

Time To Burn, Money To Kill

2005-01-14T02:14:00.000-05:00

1) You know your credibility as a hardcore rap artist is shot when you start doing kiddie movies (and no, I don't mean R. Kelly). Both Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg are in movies that are coming out that are totally targeting the 6-12 age group. How fucked up is that? These guys pioneered the west coast gangsta rap sound and were the most controversial and criticized artists for a long time. They were the last people on earth any middle-class white-bread parents would ever want their kids to be exposed to.

Now, "Racing Stripes" and "Are We There Yet?" feature these two guys at their most "overexposed and hungry for a buck." Any movie poster that features a sad-sack looking guy holding his head in his hands surrounded by obnoxiously cute kids is just... well... you just know the vibe that movie is going to have: stinky poo-licious. Was Snoop bored of making those "Girls Gone Wild" movies? Is that even possible? I don't understand how this fits into maintaining street cred.

2) I think I scoff too much...

scoff: (verb intransitive) to show contempt by derisive acts or language.

Yep, I definitely scoff too much. I need to work on that. It's just that everything everywhere is so paltry and lame and pathetic... Damn.

Sort of related, I really like these lyrics in "Matinee" by Franz Ferdinand:

"I time every journey

To bump into you, accidentally
I charm you and tell you

Of the boys I hate
All the girls I hate
All the words I hate
All the clothes I hate
How I'll never be anything I hate
You smile, mention something that you like
Or how you'd have a happy life

If you did the things you like"

Kinda reminds me of me and this blog.

3) You all know the UV index that gets forecasted to warn you about how strong the sun is going to be and the potential for sunburn. There's also the "time to burn" index which is used sometimes - it is just what it sounds like - it gives you how many minutes it will take before unprotected skin will burn. According to my boss (who would know), it's bunk. I overheard him explaining it to a client who wanted that kind of information in a product. He was explaining that the parameters involved in calculating it are not very representative of the average population and thus the time to burn would be inaccurate for most.

Actually what he said was: "It would only apply to a pasty white seven year old albino child who has been living in a box his whole life and it was the first time he's ever stepped out into the sun." I sure laughed. And then wondered how he knew so much about my childhood.

4) I have motivational issues, in that I am not motivated very easily. I don't know why but it is very frustrating. I acknowledge it - doesn't acknowledgement of a problem automatically mean that it's solved? It should. I really, really, really want to move out of the basement and into Toronto. Like, a lot. So theoretically I should be killing myself working and saving so that I can afford to do it instead of dragging this out for so long. But I am just not motivated enough to break my balls to do such things.

Why? Laziness? It's too comfortable and easy to stick with what I'm already doing? Sometimes I almost wish my parents would just say "that's it, time to move out, you've got a month." I mean I'd probably be pissed and curse under my breath at them and it would be hard and stressful, but maybe that would be the impetus to get my shit together and get going. Although, the impending birthday is sort of having that affect on me lately. I don't want to think of being that old and still at home.

Rats, now I done got me all depressed.

My Empire Of Dirt

2005-01-12T01:11:00.000-05:00

1) Today was a much more productive day; I picked up pictures from New Year's, got a new optical mouse (can you tell?), bought a new sweater and picked up my finally-repaired TV.

The sweater is great; it's one of those stripy "vintage" sort-of threadbare, hand-me-down, living on a shoestring budget kind of sweaters. It is slim fitting and should really accentuate my total absence of upper body muscle mass.

The TV is now working and hooked up to my DVD player and stereo so I can now kick out the mickyfickin' movies. Actually, I'll probably just get caught up in endless channel-surfing and completely abandon any creative outlets that I've now developed in it's absence. Like this blog. No, I won't let that happen, but it will have some serious competition for late-night activities. As soon as I got the system all hooked up I was excited to celebrate the beauty of DVD in super loud stereo sound. Having no actual movies to play, I had to rifle through my CD's to find one that came with a bonus DVD so that I could watch something. The inaugural viewing was Johnny Cash's "Hurt" video, which came as a bonus with his last CD. Yeah, nothing says celebration like a prophetically haunting video chronicling a tired old man resigning himself to the inevitability of death. I lay down and wept for an hour.

2) Canadian News Briefs:

Charlottetown bans hunting within city limits. I am not a huge fan of hunting to begin with, but this is just hilarious. This is in a city that only in the last month or so finally decided to charge bootlegging establishments that had been in operation for 20 years. They're going positively fucking cosmopolitan, they are. I mean what kind of yokels need to hunt within the city limits? Wouldn't there be more ducks out in the wild? Or are you just so lazy you want to hunt from your rocking chair on your porch. Would this happen anywhere else?

Wrong feed record supplied for cattle, says court report. Gee, a farmer goes millions of dollars into debt, gets his farm seized by a bank and allegedly signs off on a feed plan that ultimately leads to the death of 150 cattle... I'm not supporting big banks or anything, but I'm gonna have to say that someone's a little bitter about losing his business and getting some revenge.

Nude statue in B.C. traffic circle distracts drivers. OK, what uptight puritans are distracted by a statue's dick. Seriously. You're driving your car, supposedly focusing your attention on the traffic and cars ahead of you and you see a naked statue and you're just so flabbergasted that you go into spasms and nearly crash your car. You are an idiot. You shouldn't be allowed to drive. I mean if the statue was of a guy abusing farm animals of something, I could understand...

Coast to coast, we are a nation of idiots.

3) I apologize to the two people I cut off zooming across three lanes of traffic on Mavis Rd. this evening. But... y'know... my plans were just so much more important.

20 Bucks And A Coke

2005-01-11T02:09:00.000-05:00

1) Wow, today was an uberlazy day. I accomplished approximately 1% of what I had planned on doing. Strike one was sleeping in disgustingly late. How late, I won't tell you. But rest assured it's been a long time since I slept in that late without a good reason, such as a late night of drinking. Actually, I was up pretty late, and I'm still getting over The Sickness v. 3.0, so I guess that's all the reason I need. Hooray! Guilt purged!

The one thing I did manage to do was drop in at work now that my boss is back from his three-week vacation and give back the damned pager that I had while he was away. Damn, I'm glad to be rid of that thing - there's nothing like a constant life-line to people who are only going to be contacting you if something is terribly wrong and they're upset and have a deadline and you have to fix whatever-the-hell went wrong when you should be doing anything but.

This is what I did; I threw the pager at him and grabbed him by his big fat head and said: "Listen man, I'm not going to jail for you or anybody!" That's what I did. Or that was in a movie. I can't remember.

2) I have been feeling pretty lonely lately, and today was really crappy for that. I'm not sure why today in particular, maybe it was all the cute and cuddly animals and birds hopping about in pairs. But it sucked. It sucks. I'm tired of it. I could go on in great length about the how's and why's and what's of what I feel and think about this, but that would be emotionally draining for me and probably a pretty depressing read for you. Plus it would involve laying out my feelings in plain sight, which ain't my strong point. I'll talk about myself forever, providing that nothing I say will be serious and you won't actually learn anything about me.

3) The good news is that my TV is repaired and ready to be picked up. Sweet.

Also, in awesome news, Micheaux Machine will be playing the Drake Hotel on Wednesday. I am excited for you guys. I have prepared a pre-emptive review of the show:

"As I entered the dimly lit underground venue for the debut of Micheaux Machine, there was a palpable buzz in the air. Once they cleared out the bees that were released in a poorly-planned publicity stunt, and tended to those going into anaphylactic shock, the attention of those in the crowd turned to the stage.

Much had been whispered of this rag-tag group of artists. This elusive collective had been making ripples in the Toronto music scene with their patent rejection of the "normal way" of doing things; playing live shows, naming their band, recording songs. No, they followed their own meandering path and took their time. This only makes the eventual foray into live performances that much more exciting and mysterious. Like when you go on a blind date with someone your friend has set you up with, but he hasn't told you what they look like, and you don't know if they're going to be totally hott or totally ugs.

After a brief introduction in which all of the band members either forgot their name - or seemed to be doing some last-minute bickering over what their actual band name was, they launched into their riotous first song. A feeling of sweet release and anticipation rewarded swept over me, but standing at a urinal after pounding back several beers before the show started was a bit of a miscue on the part of yours truly.

I finally heard what they were actually playing about 3/4 of the way through their first song, as I made it back to the stage, and I liked what I heard. Influences as diverse as Maroon 5, Justin Timberlake, Nelly, and Ashley Simpson ran through my mind, until I realized I was drawing those from an overheard conversation that two morons standing behind me were having. They were bored and talking about their favourite bands and I so I turned around and told them that they would shut up if they knew what was good for them.

I came to and was helped to my feet a few songs later, and with a big welt on the back of my head. The crowd was enthusiastically chanting "mushi! mushi!" but only because they didn't actually hear what the band's name was at the beginning of the night. And most of them were blindingly drunk at this point, too.

As they finished up the rest of their scorching set, the need for an encore was readily apparent. They took the stage to resounding applause and rocked the house with a subdued and stripped down cover of James Taylor's "Sweet Baby James." There wasn't a dry eye in the house. You can thank state-of-the-art humidifiers installed in the venue last week for that.

This critic's verdict: Micheaux Machine know how to rock, know when to roll, know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. Imagine 10 of your favourite bands performing on 10 different stages, all at the same time, and fed through heavy reverb. This is the joy, the challenge and the legacy of Micheaux Machine.

You guys owe me 20 bucks and a Coke."

Sad But True

2005-01-10T02:15:00.000-05:00

1) I saw Closer on Saturday. It was quite good, and pretty fucked up. Everyone in the movie did a great job, Clive Owen especially. I have a problem with it though, but it's more a problem with me I guess, than with the actual movie. I am a fan of Natalie Portman, for several reasons; she does great movies (The Professional, Beautiful Girls, Garden State), she is a good actress, and let's face it - she's pretty damn fly. So the prospect of numerous scenes in the movie where she is in various stages of undress was a pretty good selling point.

The problem is that the scenes in which she is "lightly clothed" have such heavy emotional baggage and dialogue attached to them, that I sincerely wasn't able to just enjoy the eye candy. Which is really odd. Really, most of the movie has heavy emotional baggage and dialogue, so it's not a movie where you can simply enjoy watching beautiful people act (like Ocean's 12) without much concern for how the things that they are saying and doing are going to fuck with your head. It is NOT a first date movie. But I did like it.

2) Because everybody else is doing it, I too will spread the disease of "commenting on the split of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston." Oh well. So they met on a blind date? Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston? On a blind date.

That had to be one of the most unblind dates ever. I would like to have seen how the "friends describing the other person before the actual date" process would have played out...

"Oh, you know, he's a wildly successful and handsome actor. You may know him from such movies as Legends of the Fall, Seven or Twelve Monkeys. Most women think he's the sexiest man alive... I really think you'll like him."

"Well, she's on this TV show called Friends which is the most successful sitcom since, well, anything really. Women across North America aspire to look like her; she basically determines women's hairstyle trends every season. You might recognize her."

3) Sign #16 that you are a rapidly aging borderline alcoholic:

While quietly trying to use one hand to pry one more can of beer out of a six-pack at 3 am on a Friday night while everyone else is sleeping, you pull a muscle in your wrist with all that contorting.

Sad but true.

January 12th, The Drake Hotel, Toronto, Go!

2005-01-08T02:23:00.000-05:00

1) I'm a skinny, bespectacled white dude who wears boot-cut corduroy, works on a Mac all day long, listens to indie music religiously and (not so) secretly wishes I was in a band. I'd make a great urban hipster metrosexual if I wasn't stuck in suburban hell in my parent's basement.

2) At this exact moment I completely at a loss for anything to write about so I've decided to just start writing what I am thinking in the hopes that it will eventually turn into something remotely interesting or informative or entertaining, because I've heard that that's what you are supposed to do when you have writer's block. Yep, just start writing something, anything, nothing; copy words out of a book, but just make sure that you don't include them in a final submission for some writing contest with the copyrighted material at the beginning of your work of literary genius because then you would get busted and disqualified from a well-deserved prize until Sean Connery appears at your defence and says something sage and cryptic in his incredibly sexy Scottish accent which brings the entire student body to a resounding standing ovation like prep school kids seem predisposed to doing at the drop of a hat. At least in any prep school-based movie I've ever seen. And what's the deal with Robin Williams anyways - I mean yes, it's a good thing that he branched out from playing completely off-the-wall stream-of-consciousness crazy funny guys but it seems that he's played the role of troubled doctor with a heart of gold for the past 15 years. OK, I think that's enough of my stream-of-consciousness.

3) Ha, that was fun.

A Labour Of Lust

2005-01-07T01:39:00.000-05:00

I have another cold, AGAIN! So this is going to be short and sweet and sour, because I needs my sleep.

1) I saw a girl on the bus today pull out a walkman and cassette tape to listen to. I would have sworn that every last one of those things was stashed away at the bottom of junk drawers across North America. How quickly we forget. I remember making mixed tapes as recently as second or third year university, and now the idea seems positively quaint and labour-intensive. But I suppose that was the whole point in those mushy tapes made to try and score with the chicks. Now that I think of it, second or third year university was quite a long time ago... ugh...

2) Saxophones - great in jazz, god-awful in everything else.

3) I've figured out a cheat for New Year's resolutions. Start whatever it is you want to "fix" a month early. I've heard it takes three weeks of doing something for it to become routine and a habit - from personal experience I think that's pretty accurate. So by the time the new year rolls around, you can say "I am going to jog regularly" and it will already be a habit so the hard part is over and everyone will be impressed by your stick-to-it-ness.

On the other hand, if you fail miserably in the time leading up to the new year, you can say "Fuck it, I like coffee too much to quit drinking it" and then you know not to even bother making a resolution that you would have failed at anyway. It's all about making promises you can keep, not personal betterment.

Hobberknock the squibbledyscramblaster, ya damned peggerend!

2005-01-06T01:18:00.000-05:00

1) A few words that cause me grief:

esoteric - I can never remember what it means. It's like there's a special club for those who can remember.

ironic - I know when something's ironic. I think. No... I don't. If a guy is wearing some awfully cheesy 80's clothing, and he knows it's awful and cheesy and is wearing it because of the fact that it's awful and cheesy and for the reaction he gets, that's ironic. I think... right? But I don't know when a situation would be considered ironic; what the circumstances would have to be to qualify. All I know is that Alanis Morissette didn't know either. And the dictionary is bloody useless.

any and all nautical terms; keel, jib, spinnaker, ketch, yawl, mizzen... umm, hobberknock, slitshay, peggerend, squibbledyscramblaster... I mean wtf language are they speaking? Are sailors really that drunk and/or mentally unstable all the time?

2) Today I finished the little side project that I was doing for work. If anyone else out there wants an overly-detailed write-up of a particular province's geography, climate and weather, just let me know. No? Didn't think so.

3) Now that I have a DVD player I'm aching for my TV to hurry up and get repaired already. I took it in three weeks ago, I keep calling and they keep telling me to check later. For months it was sitting broken and unused and I didn't miss it at all. Now that there's the prospect of watching complete seasons of Trailer Park Boys, The Simpson's, Family Guy, The Office and a million other shows and movies and concerts, I can't get it back soon enough. I won't watch any actual television programming, but I am definitely going to get "all up in there" with the DVD's.

Lists Of Things Or Things Of Lists

2005-01-05T02:56:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of wrapping up the year of 2004 in a series of lists like everybody else does, I will wrap up the year in a series of lists.

1) The top 10 albums of 2004. Unfortunately I can only rate what I have heard, so there are probably many that might be on this list but I haven't heard and there are at least a few that I know would be on this list, but I can't go making up facts and embellishing stories now can I?

1. Do Make Say Think - Winter Hymn Country Hymn Secret Hymn (Yes, I know it was released in late 2003, but I didn't discover this band until early 2004. It's my favourite album by my favourite band right now.)

2. Arcade Fire - Funeral (I saw them at a tiny club in Toronto a year ago - thanks Mark. Now they are the darlings of music critics, and with good reason.)

3. The Streets - A Grand Don't Come For Free (A great concept album that tracks the daily highs and lows, and tells the boy-meets-girl-boy-gets-girl-boy-loses-girl story of a twenty-something British guy. Makes the mundane and familiar seem fascinating.)

4. Green Day - American Idiot (Another great concept album, or "rock opera," or whatever. Politics aside; great songs and melodies that follow you around like pilot fish.)

5. Modest Mouse - Good News For People Who Love Bad News (I only heard the first single and got the album because of all the buzz. So eclectically weird, and the change in mood after "Interlude" is a heart-warming(!) finish.)

6. Elliot Smith - From A Basement On A Hill

7. Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand

8. Interpol - Antics

9. Beastie Boys - To The 5 Boroughs

10. Bjork - Medulla

Albums that I know would be on the list had I heard them: Death From Above 1979 - You're A Woman I'm A Machine, Wilco - A Ghost Is Born, Feist - Let It Die.

2) The top 5 live shows I saw in 2004.

1. Olympic Island Concert, August 7, Olympic Island. How can you beat a full day of Death From Above 1979, Arcade Fire, Buck 65, Broken Social Scene, The Constantines, Pilate, The Stills, Sam Roberts and Sloan. Kick-ass Canadian talent. Highlights were Arcade Fire, BSS and The Constantines.

2. Do Make Say Think, October 26, The Phoenix. Just phenomenal. That's all I can say.

3. Arcade Fire, January 9, Sneaky Dee's. My first view of what would soon become a gigantic band. Amazing energy.

4. The Beastie Boys, November 8, Air Canada Centre. An amazingly fun show. Dancing in my seat I was. The air smelled... good.

5. Explosions In The Sky, October 11, The Horseshoe Tavern. Blisteringly loud.

3) The top as-of-yet-undecided number of things I am proud of accomplishing in the year 2004.

1. Finishing my master's degree when I had completely given up on it.

2. Not drinking pop for the entire calendar year (and still counting!).

3. Starting and maintaining an almost-daily blog.

4. Starting a regular running schedule.

5. Nailing the "Bubbles" character at the Halloween party.

6. Getting a job that requires the use of more than just my motor skills.

7. Discovering Do Make Say Think.

8. Completely reformatting my hard drive and reinstalling my operating system with only minimal loss of critical data.

9. Re-acquainting myself with my guitar.

10. Biking 130 km in one weekend.

11. Getting pretty decent at pool.

12. Just saying what I'm thinking (a long way to go though).

13. Remembering most of my friends' birthdays.

14. Co-existing with my entire family with nary a domestic dispute.

15. Displaying some decidedly mature tendencies... once in a while... when I'm caught off guard.

There you go: 15 things.

The Newest Hummer Accessory

2005-01-04T00:51:00.000-05:00

1) As promised, my New Year's tale: (targeted to those who only know me through my blog, those who know me but didn't celebrate New Year's with me, and those who did celebrate with me but who's memories may be clouded... for whatever reason that might be)

Unfortunately, I had to work New Year's, so it sucked. Just kidding. I did have to work New Year's eve until 10, which was very lonely and quite depressing, but I did have plans to look forward to, so that helped me get through the evening without stabbing myself to death with sharpened pencil crayons. My parents, who can occasionally bust out with an amazing act of kindness, picked me up at work and dropped me off at the subway, which saved me a $40 cab ride or a long bus ride, so that was awesome.

Mark and Dennis' band "the band with no name as of yet" were playing an inaugural gig at a small little bar/restaurant right around Honest Ed's in Toronto, which they had rented out for the night, and our group of friends were going to party there and invite anyone else that we wanted to party with us. We really had no idea what to expect in terms of numbers - I was thinking that there might be 20-25 people tops. But even if there were only 10 I still would have been super stoked. There had to be at least 60, if not 70 people that showed up in total, which was awesome because it filled the upstairs floor nicely. At least half of them were also from the University of Guelph from back in the day - so it was really cool to hang out with that many people I knew and hadn't seen for years, in some cases.

The band was really good - there were a few opening jitters I'm sure, and a couple false starts, but they played a great set of really cool songs. Made me jealous. It looked like a lot of fun to play even though I'm sure I'd shit myself if there was ever more than one person (me) listening to me play live. They wrapped up just before midnight and there was a very last second countdown to the new year (prompted by a live countdown over the speakers which gave us about 4 seconds to prepare). Much hand-shaking, hugging and platonic (for some... *sigh*) kissing went around.

After midnight it turned into a wicked fun dance party courtesy of some great spinning by Mark. The bartender must have been a happy camper because I, and everyone, drank a lot of booze and tipped well and only one guy got to the point of stumbling, drop-your-drink, fall down drunk. And I didn't know him so I laughed. Sucker. It wasn't me this year. Marc had to work too, for real, like, past midnight, so that sucked and I was kind of bummed that I wouldn't see him. So when he showed up around 1:45 we were all super happy. Especially me, Marc. Really happy.

Anyways, memories get a little hazy after that, but I think the last of us left the bar around 3-ish and Dennis and I cabbed it back to his place where we then watched "The Office" (the Freelove Freeway episode). Fell asleep around 4 and slept until 1 the next afternoon.

Awesome night.

2) Along with slacking off on the posting, I've also slacked off with the running the last couple weeks. So I woke up today and started anew. And damn, did my legs hurt. At one point when I was about halfway through it, I was just so sore and tired that I very nearly stopped and was just going to walk home. Two months ago I would have quit in a second, actually I wouldn't have even been running in the first place. Amazingly I didn't quit. Apparently I am starting to show some signs of perseverance and motivation. It's scary. You end up a lot more tired than when you let things slide. My slow maturation into a quasi-responsible adult is very disconcerting. But I promise I will never have inspirational posters on my wall. That's a guarantee.

3) Apparently, the newest internet geekfad is Googlism. You type your name, and it gives you a whack of little phrases about "you" which are culled from the internet. It's pretty funny. If you're a geek and into those geek-like things. Like me. Anyways, here are a few choice selections from my attempt:

The Good:

Paul is a “pop billionaire”

Paul is our saviour

Paul is “good to go”

Paul is at best lukewarm about the USA Patriot Act

Paul is named a top 10

Paul is alive

Paul is an adult who is free to make his own decisions

Paul is “charmed”

Paul is so hott

The Bad:

Paul is arrested in the temple

Paul is beheaded

Paul is in prison

Paul is a pansy

Paul is wack

Paul is a bad trader

Paul is dead

Paul is a dead man
Paul is dying; Vatican remains mum

The Wha?:

Paul is an international catholic

Paul is the author of over a dozen books about windows

Paul is flanked by a poster showing a likeness of himself

Paul is the third lady topper to receive honours this season
Paul is the newest hummer accessory

New Year

2005-01-03T01:04:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year's everyone.

You may have noticed that I have posted very sparsely in the last week or so. Sorry. It's been a combination of drunken revelry, laziness, tiredness and Norwalk Virusness. But I am now back in business and ready to blog your socks off.

Yes... the wit is all revved up and the creativity is all... revved... up... too... umm. Or not.

1) I wanted to say something meaningful about the tsunami and the mind-boggling devastation. But I can't come up with anything. At least nothing that would do it justice. There's nothing that I have seen on TV that can compare to those who experienced it. All I can do is be thankful that I have never experienced that kind of horror and loss, and contribute what I can to help out those in need.

I've never been a charity kind of person, not because I don't think it's worthy, or because I can't afford to donate. It's mostly been a case of there being so many causes that I would consider helping out, but not being able to decide what I should support. And being kind of afraid of how effective my donation would be, or whether it would actually be put to good use. But there is no doubt in this case. This is a monumentally desperate situation for so very many people who have the simple misfortune of living where they do.

Earlier last week, I had a mild case of the Norwalk virus; which was still terribly crappy and uncomfortable and painful. As I was lying in my warm bed with my heating pad in a safe house, feeling as crappy as I did, I just imagined feeling this bad, or worse, with most of my family dead or missing and not a bed or building to lay down in and get some comfort. And that sealed the deal for me.

Everyone in this is innocent. There are no guilty parties. There are no politics. Just a catastrophe beyond comprehension, and a death toll that is frightening.

Help if you can.

2) Yikes, It's late, and I'm tired. I am going to talk about the greatness that was New Year's Eve later, probably tomorrow. Because it was great.

I've missed writing, hopefully you've missed reading?

Red Wine + Turkey + Gifts = Good Times

2004-12-28T00:30:00.000-05:00

Ahh... where to begin...

1) I had a great Christmas with the family. We went to my aunt's on Christmas day and ate like we'd never eat again. At least I did. And drank too. Oh man was that fun. I got a bunch of goodies including a DVD player, a bunch of CD's and some clothes, so it was a good day all around. Me likey turkey. Me likey alcohol. Me likey my family once I've had enough alcohol. Seriously, it was a great day.

2) Astronaut... in the vein of aunts who seem to have that whole "embarrass the nephew" thing down pat: I witnessed the WORST of Christmas presents EVER! My aunt is a big fan of those animatronic noise-making hokey singing novelty gifts (like the singing fish, etc.). But the latest instalment takes the crapcake. She has a monkey that you strap on to someone's leg. Then you press a button... then the monkey... umm, humps your leg in a furious fashion. The pelvic thrusts get more and more intense as the monkey gets more and more excited. Then finally the monkey climaxes in a terrifying high-pitch shriek. It's called Spanky the Monkey. Sometimes I wish technology would just quit while it's ahead.

3) This is wicked awesome.

4) I was forced to fight my way through the mall on my way to work on Boxing Day. Anyone who didn't get all of the consumerism out their system in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and feels that they have to go out the very next day and fight through crowds to get a shitty deal on a shitty product deserves all the headaches they face. And this was after a pretty hefty snow storm that dumped a heap of snow on the roads and made travelling treacherous, if not stupid. I witnessed line-ups of at least 50 people for stupid clothing stores selling women's tank-tops for like $2 each. I don't care if they're 5 cents each, you should not be lining up outside a store to spend more of your money on things you don't need. Never have I wished for a catastrophic roof collapse like I did that day.

5) The tsunami in the Indian Ocean was horrible. But I'm torn between my interest in cool geological disasters and the reality of the enormous human toll that they can result in. I suppose that if I lived anywhere that was actually likely to be struck by hurricanes, volcanoes, earthquakes, floods or tornados, I would be smart and terrified of natural disasters. But seeing as the worst we'll face in Mississauga is some hail, maybe, they still have a cool, detached attraction for me.

6) There have been a bunch of things on my mind in the last couple of days that I've wanted to write about, but seeing as I said I wouldn't be posting for a couple of days, I couldn't turn around and post on Christmas eve and Christmas day like a total loser who has nothing better to do... right? Heh.. heh-heh... I mean that would just be sad and pathetic.

Fear not, my sad and pathetic life will now be back on display.

Three Wise Things

2004-12-24T01:01:00.000-05:00

I won't be posting for at least a couple days because I plan on being all liquored up and so pudgy from overeating that I won't be able to type on the keyboard. So here are three positive, non-bitchy, happy Christmas things...

1) My parents were either very good liars, or I was a very gullible child, because I believed in Santa Claus for a lot longer than other kids, I think. I don't remember exactly how old I was when I eventually found out the truth... but I think I was in first or second year of university. One of my most favourite memories of the power of belief was when I was maybe 8 years old. I was wired (obviously) on Christmas eve and totally unable to sleep. My bedroom window looked out on a park with another bunch of houses on the other side of the park. As I lay in bed looking out the window, fantasizing about the next day's toys, I saw something. I saw the reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh, skimming across the rooftops on the other side of the park. An 8 year old's heart has never done such spastic beating as I bolted upright and pressed my face against the window. Alas, the joy was short-lived as I slowly realized that I had only seen the drifting smoke of one of the chimneys, contorted into festive modes of transportation by a child's imagination. But for a moment I was in rapture, as happy as a kid could be.

2) There are few Christmas movies that I must watch, every year, to make everything right in the world. "Christmas Vacation" is one. I know it's bad and I don't care. One of the best is "A Christmas Story." There are just so many damned scenes in that movie that can make me cry with laughter. The big one is "White Christmas" starring Bing Crosby and "Danny fucking Kaye!" This is one of those movies that you are forced to sit through by your mom when you're a little kid, bored to tears. But then, once you're old enough to walk away and do something else, you sit a watch it anyways. Our family watches it pretty much every Christmas eve, when it's on TV, and it has become as much of a tradition as the rest of the holiday feasting and visiting and drinking. We make the same comments about the same scenes in the movie every time we watch it. It's all part of the ritual, though I don't think we do it intentionally (not like those "Rocky Horror Picture Show" nuts). I suppose it's sort of a way to keep something the same, as the rest of our lives change. I'm not trying to sound too sappy here or anything, it's just a very feel-good kind of heart-warming ritual with the family (aided, no doubt, by copious amounts of red wine).

3) I always miss my friends at Christmas. It's simply of case of people spending time pretty much exclusively with their families. And unfortunately, most of our families seem to be spread out fairly well across the province, so when people go home for the holidays, it's always pretty far away. Far enough that we couldn't simply get together one night or drop in on each other on Christmas eve. It sounds corny, but since I have a pretty small family, I consider all of you guys to be like family (except open-mouth kissing wouldn't be weird; in fact, there should be more of that - let's work on it). I think we should all live together one year and have an enormous extended-family Christmas. And then never speak of it again. Anyways, I know it's not for long, you'll all be back by next week. And then there's the bitchin' New Year's to look forward to...

See Paul, see? This is what happens when you drink red wine while writing at Christmas-time. Sappier than a fresh-cut balsam...

Merry Christmas.

"A Great Conversation Piece"

2004-12-23T00:19:00.000-05:00

1) Watching TV and surfing through internet pop-up ads and thinking:

Any product advertised with "a great conversation piece" as a main selling point is unbearably crappy. Crappy and ugly and useless and a shame that someone actually dreamed up the idea, successfully patented, manufactured and marketed it. Think of how many people, from the VP of Finance, to the labourer screwing the thing-a-ma-jig to the doo-hickey, had a hand in the creation of such garbage.

Also, anyone who buys an obviously crappy product because it's marketed as "a great conversation piece" seriously needs to evaluate: 1) the company they keep, and 2) if they're the kind of person who should be allowed to make decisions other than "I shall poop, now." How pathetic does your life have to be, to need to stir up conversation about the hideous ceramic abomination of design and functionality sitting on your coffee table, that you have so carefully placed there in hopes that one of the tongue-tied half-wits you call friends and family will ask you about it. Read a book. Watch the news. That'll learn 'ya some talkin'.

2) You can certainly tell who those Craftmatic Adjustable Beds folks are targeting. Every television ad I've seen always includes the offer for a "FREE! Hi-Tech Colour TV." It's the damned aged, man. Who else has been around long enough to even know what a black and white TV is? And who else is wowed by the fact that this TV is hi-tech. Much better than the lo-tech TV's they made back in the day. These have the modern marvels of higher technology, whatever that is...

3) Hmm... creative juices running low (obviously) so I will just say to you all, have a great Holiday Season, whatever your flavour. If I don't see/talk/email/post to you in the next couple of days, enjoy yourself, your families and your booze.

(I wanted to sign off with that great Krusty the Klown holiday greeting, but I did a search on that quotation, and I think everyone who has a blog did the same thing. So I'll buck the trend.)

Death Is A Peruvian Bus Driver

2004-12-22T01:01:00.000-05:00

1) So today wasn't a regularly scheduled work day, but I went in anyway. I had a meeting with the GM of our division to talk about a little side project that I am now working on. This is good as it gives me a little more exposure and may give them a better idea of my skills and will hopefully add to the "positive" column when they're deciding if they will keep me on once my contract is up. To counter those many "negatives" which are multiplying at an alarming rate. Basically, I have to do a write up of the geography, weather and climatology of the particular province we are pitching a proposal to. It's a pretty hefty contract to provide weather-related services. Given my writing style, it will likely be peppered with curse words and boring accounts of my daily life. I'll have to try and filter most of that out.

While I was there, it turned into a bit of a trouble-shooting party because a number of scripts running client products were acting up in a most unexplained and frustrating manner. And the boss is on vacation. I've already had to handle two calls to the pager in the last two days - this doesn't bode well... I've just realized I'm speaking in an entirely unfamiliar and new language: "corporatespeak." Sorry, it'll never happen again.

2) I finished my Christmas shopping today. Thank ~~God~~ ~~Santa~~ Coca-Cola. I really don't look forward to the whole wrapping escapade. Wrapping paper, tape and I have an acrimonious relationship: they like to fuck with me and I like to throw them across the room in a fit. I either have to get very drunk before I can attempt such a task, or people are getting their present wrapped in the bags they came in from the store. Not wrapped, twist-tied. I'm thinking getting drunk is a better option. I've found that this applies to pretty much every situation.

3) I unintentionally took a four-day break from my running training program. That's the longest break since I started a month ago. I got back into it today. I reached a personal best! Keeping in mind, of course, that my PB is equivalent to your average runner's worst day, due to their hangover, steel-toe boots and sucking chest wound. But I'll take it.

A Little Bit Of...

2004-12-21T00:04:00.000-05:00

1) I was thinking that a lot of my writing lately has been fairly basic "I did this and I saw that" sort of writing, and not too much sage philosophizing or introspective meanderings. That may be a good thing for you, readers. I wanted to write something a little more profound here, but unfortunately these days it seems I'm fresh out of profundity. Or at least I seem unable to adequately transfer my thoughts to written words. Or maybe I just don't have anything going on upstairs... I suppose that someday soon I'll unleash a veritable flood of melancholic-soaked posts and you'll all wish I would shut up already and just quit listening to The Cure.

2) Related to that, I wonder why it's my assumption that deep, profound thinking always has to be melodramatic and depressing. Do you feel the same way? Do people ever get totally lost in thought and pour their hearts out into lengthy discourses when they're totally happy and stoked about something? Is there some totally well-adjusted socially functioning guy out there currently putting the finishing touches on his 50 page manifesto detailing how wickedly fun it is to get drunk and party with his friends at the beach house? Does the artist's sketch of this guy feature a toothy grin and a sly wink?

But seriously, I doubt that much of that happens. They say that creativity and great art is a result of inner turmoil and conflict and often unhappiness. Of course there are exceptions to that rule, but that's where songs like "The Macarena" and "Mambo #5" come from. But I guess that's not great art. It's my feeling that when I turn inward and do my deepest thinking, and consequently my "profound" writing, it's because there is a problem that I am trying to resolve. It may be an actual problem that can be solved, or it could be a problem with things I see around me that can't really be solved, but occupies my thoughts. It can also be more of a case where I am trying to work something out in my head that I don't understand - which I suppose is a problem. And lastly, it could be a case of me trying to understand myself - my motives, my behaviour, my personality.

Anyways, the point is... I can't remember the point. The gist of it is... I can't tell what the gist is, either. I guess I'm just wondering why it is that "problems" in whatever form, tend to be the source of serious thinking and creating. Is it possible to be serious about happiness and fun? Have I just answered my own question?

3) OK, If you've waded through all that - kudos. And sorry. Final thoughts: I'm so very very very very very very glad the whole Latin-influenced musical craze of the late 90's died. Hopefully you've learned your lesson, pop culture. Although I doubt it.

Double Your Pleasure-Inducing Experience With The Following Content

2004-12-20T01:01:00.000-05:00

I missed the last two days because I've been away from my computer, visiting in Toronto. So I'd better have a bunch of interesting things to write about in a damned entertaining fashion, right? We'll see...

1) I pride myself in not being afraid of spiders, but when one drops down from the ceiling, a few inches from my face, when I'm focused on the computer monitor, well that just scares the micky-fickin' bejeezus out of me. I'm really surprised I didn't shriek just now. But I think my heart did, if hearts can do that. It felt like it.

2) The Festivus Social was great, even though it was unexpectedly bumped up to Friday night instead of Saturday. But the reason for that was entirely acceptable. I hope your dad is feeling better Marc. I'm glad that Marc ended up with my "amazing gift of awesomeness" because I know you'll use it well (it was a drink mixing/shaker set). I'm not glad that the first gift I selected was stolen from me in the game because it was awesome, awesom-er than mine, even. My second go at the gift selection was... how do I put this delicately... a little less awesome. No offence to the supplier intended - I'm just calling 'em as I see 'em. I suppose I could always re-re-gift it again, but I somehow managed to lose track of it. The "hoarding and protection of possessions" instinct just wasn't as strong for the Regis CD. Many rum and OJ's and fake mistletoe kept me happy throughout the rest of the evening though.

3) I saw "The Aviator" on Saturday. That's a good movie. I'm not very good at deconstructing why I like a particular movie until I've had a chance to think about it for a few days - so maybe I'll write up a better review later this week. But Leo was good, and Cate Blanchett was amazingly good and funny as Katherine Hepburn.

4) At dinner after the movie, I got a fortune cookie after my meal, and this is what it read:

"He who hurries cannot walk with dignity."

I really like this as it is a much better paraphrasing of one of my driving philosophies in life:

"It is impossible to run, in order to catch a bus or cross a street or if you're late for something, and maintain any appearance of coolness; in fact, any running that is born out of necessity rather than as a voluntary action is just all-around bad and you end up looking like a total dork."

I stand by that, too. It has something to do with attire. No exceptions. Except if you are being chased by someone with a big knife. In that case, run away, or run away.

5) It was really cold today. A great day for forgetting gloves and a hat. Minus 22 C right now, plus a wind chill somewhere in the minus 30's. Because the lake was so much warmer than the air temperature, there was an amazing amount of mist coming off the surface - it looked like white fire. It was really cool, I wish I had a camera handy. Also, from the office at work I could see the resulting lake-effect clouds and snow across the lake. It's unfair, the prevailing winds mean we almost never get lake-effect snow here. Stupid Coriolis-driven eastern-tracking low pressure systems. And so endeth the meteorology lesson.

6) My boss is now on vacation for 3 weeks. As a sign of either trust or "Ha! Take that, sucker!" he has given me his pager for that period. Which means I'm technically on-call all the time, although any actual calls should be rare or hopefully non-existent. I'm there in case anything goes wrong with the clients' products. Not that I can really do anything about it. I'll be there to say: "I understand your rage, but I am unable to remedy the problem from my current location, nor would I know how to solve the problem even if I was at the office." A cold-comforting voice at the end of the line. But at least I'll have some street-cred now.

Baby Got Back Pain

2004-12-17T01:09:00.000-05:00

1) I like to people-watch in the food court when I'm eating lunch before I go off to work. Let's be honest, I like to girl-watch. Have you noticed how elderly women, in particular, talk about things they dislike? Whenever they talk about something that they find disagreeable they always wave their hands about their face. Like they're trying to "shoo" away all these bad things that are fluttering around their head, trying to burrow into their brains. It's funny to watch. I laughed out loud today.

(In reading this back - I think it implies that my idea of girl-watching involves octogenarians. It does not.)

2) Tow truck drivers are fucking vultures. When I got off work today, there was a minor accident just outside the mall entrance (because it snowed one centimetre, of course) which must have happened only a few minutes before. As I walked along the street, three tow trucks came flying along, well over the speed limit, cutting off each other and other drivers, turning left on lights that had already been red for 10 seconds, just to try and get to the accident first. As I got closer to the accident I realized they were too late, as there were already two tow trucks at the scene. So now there were five tow trucks at the scene of an accident involving two cars, neither of which likely needed a tow. And these fuckers were stopped in the middle of the road, right near a bus stop, blocking the bus and other traffic and just generally being assholes. I hate them. I don't know any but I'll bet they're all dicks. They're probably not all dicks, but it's easier to comprehend these people preying on others' misfortunes if I paint them all with one broad stroke.

3) I was going to tell a tree-planting story here, but that will take too long and it's too late, perhaps another time. So instead I'll try and cool some of the fervid speculation over the "amazing gift of awesomeness" which will be unveiled this Saturday night. Now I know it's definitely over-hyped, so I need to balance it out a little. This gift sucks ass. It's super-lame. No-one is going to want it, it will be passed off from one person to another until it finds it way back to me and I'll be stuck with a crappy, thoughtless, hunk of junk that I deserve for thinking someone else would want it. Imagine the best thing you could salvage from the garbage dump in a shanty-town... now bring it down a couple notches.

Chasing Pussy

2004-12-15T23:56:00.000-05:00

1) A list of things I did today that are inconsequential to most of you:

-Walked instead of ran/walked the 5 km route because my leg is sore from all this damned run/walking.

-Got my hair cut at a great authentic barbershop ran by an old stocky Italian guy named Aldo who has classical music in the background, soccer on the TV, and opinions about everything.

-Finally took my TV in for repairs after countless months solely for the purpose of hopefully getting a DVD player and watching all the episodes of "The Office."

-Picked up the "amazing gift of awesomeness" for the Christmas party Saturday. I fear I may have hyped this thing a little too much... especially since I had no idea what I was going to get.

-Made some minor format changes on the blog - mostly to update the list of blogs I now read regularly and enjoy.

2) I like Paul Martin's interview strategy. When asked about criticisms that he was unfocused in his first year as PM, he says he was just so enthusiastic to deal with so many issues and he placed too many of them as "top priorities." It's like every job interview you have to go through. At some point, they always ask you "What is your greatest weakness?" And your answer is always a very well-rehearsed spiel explaining some bullshit weakness that actually comes across looking like a good thing. "I'm not very good at delegating because I like to be involved in every task directly," or "I am so detail-oriented that I can sometimes lose sight of the big picture," or "I just can't help providing sexual favours for superiors."

3) We have two cats. One is awesome and adores me. The other is a bastard who would gladly suffocate me in my sleep if I didn't lock him out. At night they tear around the house playing and fighting and hissing and being very loud, especially from my basement room. So every night they start their fighting and I have bring the nice one down to the basement and close the door so that I can get some sleep. The problem is that she never wants to come down to the basement. Once she's down it's a different story - she's fine and relaxed and sleeps at the foot of my bed. But when I first go up to get her - it's like I'm coming to kill her. She runs and hides and dodges and weaves. I end up winded and looking as foolish as the two burglars in "Home Alone." Fortunately I have learned her strategies and escape routes so that I can usually head her off at the pass. Except now there's a Christmas tree in the living room. Which was designed for the sole purpose of hiding cats and confounding lanky pursuers. How soon is this damned holiday over?

There Goes My PG Rating

2004-12-14T23:19:00.000-05:00

1) I was in one of those calendar shops (you know, in the calendar wing of the mall) today during my monster Christmas shopping quest. I hate these places because while picking out the calendar you actually want, you are forced to browse through the kind of crap that somebody thinks people want to see 365 days a year. Like at least four different calendars featuring strictly Border Collies. Or hunky firemen. Or a hilarious gem that basically took a variety of different animals and cleverly digitally altered them so that each little guy had giant testicles dangling beneath them. If you buy that you don't deserve to know what day it is. I judge people by what kind of calendar they have hanging up in their kitchen or place of work. This is something you purposely choose to look at every single day of the year. My judgement will be swift and unmerciful. And irreversible. So choose wisely.

Like, say, you have an Anne Geddes calendar featuring a bunch of sickeningly cute widdle babies dressed up as baby harp seals sitting in the centre of a giant plush tulip... ah, forget it. I was wondering if the babies used in those pictures were actually dead babies. Stuffed. How else can you explain the glassy-eyed stares and perpetually cute grins. No baby model can be that photogenic and well-behaved and happy wearing a hot furry suit under the glare of photographer's lamps. I'm guessing a little sawdust, some marbles and a talented make-up artist can cover up any dingo bite marks.

Yeesh, dead baby jokes at Christmas. I'm going straight to hell. And getting coal from Santa.

2) So it seems that it's all the rage in the blogosphere to employ my ingenious, efficient, and never-before-used-in-the-history-of-the-blog stylistic format of listing three things. Both Astronaut Jones' and Woffle's most recent posts have utilized the "three things" and in the process given me blogger-props. Word. Reciprocated, yo. Who will be next? Butterscotch, I'm looking in your direction...

3) Here's where I bitch ('cuz I don't think I do it enough):

Someone should censor your fucking name, Trevin Skeens. While the last thing I would do is defend Wal-Mart, this guy is a fucking moron. If you're so fucking uptight and naive that you think the only place your 13-year old daughter is going to hear the word "fuck" is in some of that devil's music they sell down at the ol' Wal-Mart, you must be fucking dumb. Fucker.

What's the connection between oil-money and generally disagreeable stances on pretty much everything. Alberta's (Texas north) Premier Ralph Klein says that it's OK to discriminate against gays and lesbians when it comes to marriages. Stephen Harper has stepped in to say that he'll protect traditional marriages, too. Because they're at such risk. Those poor traditional marriages have been punished and derided for so long now. Before you know it, the gays will be breaking up happy couples and marrying straight folks against their will.

"I've Got Blisters On My Fingers!!"

2004-12-14T00:46:00.000-05:00

1) A week or so ago, while I was out running, I saw a skunk that was wandering aimlessly along Creditview Road, which is a fairly busy road. It seemed dazed or something so I was thinking that it might have gotten hit by a car, or was sick. It was wandering out into the middle of the road oblivious to the traffic and making cars swerve around it. I kept jogging but kinda hoped that it wasn't going to get schmucked. Well it was big news in Mississauga and made the crappy local paper (I'm not kidding). A local hero corralled it and controlled oncoming traffic until Animal Services came to take care of it. Phew. There's even a photo. That skunk's famous - and I knew him before he made it big!

(Seriously, our city's not that pathetic - but everyone has their slow news days.)

2) Tuesday is going to be my big-ass busy day. I have to go and get my flattened glasses repaired, get a badly needed haircut, and do the rest of my Christmas shopping, which is almost all of it. And I have to do this while resisting the urge to buy more music for myself. Hmm, that must be pretty damned boring to everyone but me. Note to self: you are boring, and you do boring things. Don't subject others to your boring life unless they specifically ask to be bored.

3) I have been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to think of something good to write for #3 and I've got nothing. Which is extremely annoying. Think, dammit!... Nothing. Fine, I'll send you somewhere actually funny instead.

Ahh... college radio.

Um, yeah... so this is pretty lame... skip it if you want to.

2004-12-13T01:38:00.000-05:00

1) Does anyone know of a long-lasting brand of batteries that are good for a Discman? The documentation that came with my Discman said that the battery life should be 36-40 hours. When I first got it, I remember the batteries did seem to last that long, but I can't remember what brand they were. My Discman is basically attached to my ears these days, but the batteries are running out with alarming speed. Suggestions?

2) Things I vaguely remember from last night:

Dennis trying to explain what an 11/4 time signature sounds like: "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11." Thanks. Extremely helpful. For the record, "Hey Ya" by Outkast is 11/4.

Gummi worms, 2 bags of popcorn, fermented pineapple, wheat crackers and Premium Plus crackers that may or may not have been salted.

About 20 minutes of "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" until we realized that we could do it better.

Painfully unfunny SNL sketches featuring Colin Farrell out on window cleaner scaffolding interviewing someone about something. Then the crows attacked.

Good Times.

3) I am getting pumped for the Markham Street Festivus Social next Saturday. I am going to bring the best gift ever for the exchange. You will wonder in awe how I found such a perfect gift. It will be cool, silly and naughty all rolled up into a ball of 100% pure awesomeness. People will more than fight for my gift. I'm predicting a total breakdown of social and cultural morals. There will be hair-pulling. The anticipation is building. I can tell.

On an entirely unrelated note: does anyone know in what denominations Tim Horton's sells gift certificates?

Driving Me Mad

2004-12-11T01:17:00.000-05:00

1) It's my goal as a pedestrian to enrage ignorant drivers by following traffic signals and enforcing pedestrian right-of-way situations. I can't count the number of times where drivers have been completely oblivious to people walking. They make left turns at intersections without consideration for people walking across. They blow through crosswalks and never yield to pedestrians. Try crossing an intersection at a four-way stop and see how many drivers give you the evil eye. People somehow forget that a car is just another form of transportation, like walking, and they feel like they're better than the walkers. I don't break any traffic rules or anything, I follow the signs. But I love walking confidently across a crosswalk when some driver is obviously coming up to it oblivious to me, and then notices me at the last second and slams on the brakes and shakes their head, mouthing curses at me. It's so satisfying to give them mini-heart attacks. And if some dick is making a left turn and I'm crossing, and they edge in closer and closer to me and then honk while the little green man is still flashing - you'd better believe the next 10 paces will be the slowest paces ever. One day it's going to backfire and I'm going to get schmucked, but then it's: "Hello, lawsuit!"

2) While the last thing in the world I would do is defend Donald Rumsfeld, the story about the soldiers complaining about lack of armouring for the vehicles, etc., isn't really that extraordinary. Yes, the complaints are entirely valid - in the unlikely situation where I would ever sign up to kill or be killed, of course I would want the best equipment available. But I would wager that a war hasn't been fought where soldiers never lacked all the tools, equipment and resources they needed and wanted. There are about a billion other reasons why this war is so completely fucked and wrong (like this and this), but I would say that the lack of sufficient armouring for the soldiers is pretty much par for the course in war - a travesty - but not out of the ordinary.

3) I went for a run in the cold rain this morning. When I got in from the cold my glasses fogged up. I took them off so I could see while I was taking off my shoes and jacket in the front hall. I placed them on the bench in the hall and then the fist thing I did after I placed them on the bench was sit down on the bench, and flatten my glasses. Ugh, I'm a idiot.

Linda Kozlowski, Where Are You Now?

2004-12-10T01:26:00.000-05:00

1) It's just way too much damn fun to play along to the cheesy heavy-metal parody songs on the "Strong Bad Sings" cd. I'm sure there are a million better uses I could be putting my guitar to, but I'll betcha they're nowhere near as fun. That disc is 100% pure comic genius.

2) There are 2 specific instances where as a young boy I realized that girls could make me feel funny in my bathroom area and that maybe they weren't all that gross. The first being in 1984 when I was watching MuchMusic and Madonna's "Like a Virgin" video played. There was something about her dressed in white and lying on that bed that really caught my attention. The other was in 1986 when I went and saw "Crocodile Dundee" at the movie theatre. The scene where Linda Kozlowski is wearing that thong and bends over to get water by the pond, just before the giant crocodile attacks her and only manages to grab the canteen around her neck. Everything up to the crocodile attack was hot. During the attack, my bathroom area reverted to it's original and familiar function.

3) Whatever your job is, however much you hate what you do, and as much as you complain, be thankful you don't work in a Chinese mine.

Mmm... Butter Sponge...

2004-12-09T00:26:00.000-05:00

1) I specifically did not stay over in T.O. Monday night because I had to go to an early meeting at work this morning. Early for me. So when I actually got to work, I found out the meeting was cancelled because of technical problems. The lights in the meeting room wouldn't turn on. Worst excuse ever. I could accept if the presenter was sick or there was some kind of scheduling conflict... but the lights wouldn't work?

I figured I might as well start my Christmas shopping since I was already at the mall. But since I didn't get coffee and danishes at the meeting I would have breakfast in the food court first. A&W breakfasts = badness. Eggs? - burnt and runny. Bacon? - could be. Toast? - butter sponges.

2) Had my doctor's appointment this afternoon. As expected, I am nearly better, so his advice was "don't bother doing anything about it," which is what I was doing anyway. I booked a physical for February, too. Prostate was mentioned, but only in the context of "we won't need to check that." Hooray!

3) I am the worst prepared shopper ever. At the mall, I couldn't remember what anyone wanted for Christmas, so I had to call my mom and ask her what were on people's lists. And I had to write ideas down on a "Starbucks - In Our Communities" pamphlet because I didn't have any paper. And I had to write them down with a pen I had to buy at the drugstore because I didn't have a pen. Who doesn't have a pen? And because no drugstore in their right mind sells a single pen I had to buy a 10-pack of pens to get the one pen that I needed. Everyone's getting a brand new pen for Christmas.

Do I sound like a whiny suck?

The point being, if someone says to you: "don't think of elephants" it is, in fact, all that you can think of.

2004-12-06T23:28:00.000-05:00

1) The first snowfall of any significance fell this morning, and so of course, by lunch the news said there were at least 400 accidents in the greater Toronto area. And also, the evening news programs all had their annual "How to drive in winter weather" features. Invaluable gems like: "drive slower" and "allow more time for travel" and "put the fat people in the backseat if you have rear-wheel drive." Is this something you can forget? I don't understand - we live in Canada - every year this cold, slippery white stuff falls from the sky and ends up on the roads we drive. It's hardly unexpected. But people drive around all bewildered and confused when their SUV doesn't stop on a dime when they hit the brakes. Makes me glad I don't have a car to drive around.

2) I'm applying for a long-shot job with the government, and as part of the application process, I have to submit a copy of my university transcript. Being the federal government and all, their online application process is incredibly lengthy and demanding and entirely unwieldy. I have to enter all 48 of my university credits, one at a time, including course code, title and final mark. No simple and efficient cut-and-paste for the government. So anyways, after that tedious process, I was flooded with memories of sleeping through many of these courses I allegedly took. My overall average was pretty good, but there were some poor marks in there for a few courses, some of which include:

Marketing. I don't actually remember learning anything in this course. Our "labs" consisted of running an imaginary shoe company and trying to make the most money using various marketing strategies. My group came in second place, and every decision was made with the roll of a dice.

Economic Geography. All I remember learning is that there are a lot of businesses in the central business district of a city.

Remote Sensing. There's these satellites orbiting the earth... that take pictures... different wavelengths... umm... spectrum?

Human Impact on the Environment. Rainforests are hot and wet. There are a lot of rice paddies in China. Our professor had several hundred pictures of rice paddies. We saw them all. That's not what I can remember from the course - that's all we were taught - no lie.

3) I've made a doctor's appointment for Wednesday because I'm still fucking coughing and runny nosing. Last night was horrible. My coughing kept me awake for hours. I was pretty miserable. So you can bet that I'm going to clear up completely by Wednesday morning and I'll have to make up some other excuse as to why I'm at the doctor's. And then I'll freeze up under the pressure and scramble and mention something about prostate ("don't think of elephants, don't think of elephants") and then I'll be lying there with a finger up my butt. In a bad way.

Meh...

2004-12-06T00:07:00.000-05:00

1) When I'm working and everything goes smoothly, computer-wise, there's a lot less to do. But the evening dra-a-ags on really slowly. When the computers act up, it can be a little stressful, and there's more corrections to make, but the evening flies by. I haven't decided which I like better yet.

2) The Christmas tree went up today at our house. This means that my shopping must start soon. Because when it is empty underneath a Christmas tree, well that's just saddest looking thing in the world. Except it's not really empty. There are two frantic cats in sensory-overloaded bliss, with a hundred new bright, shiny, breakable and/or electrified toys to play with.

3) I met with Chris and Jamie for breakfast today. They were in town to pick up a few of the remaining things left, after the move to their new place last weekend. It was fun. And it was weird. I've known Chris since we were in grade four, and he's always lived just across the river from me. Now he's in Claremont, out near Whitby. In his own house. With his wife of a year. How the hell did that happen?! The four guys from high school that I still keep in contact with are now all married, or living in their own homes, or both. We all know how I compare to that. I know that staying in school for that damn long was a choice I made, partly to put off the inevitable "getting on with life," but I sometimes wish that I was working at a full-time job that I've held for several years, buying or renting my own place, and a little more established. How old am I?? *sigh*

I'm thinking there's going to be some pretty hefty new year's resolutions made this time around. And they're going to made in one mother of paralytic, intoxicated state. So, whoever's with me at that time, make sure I write them down and hold me to it.

And like that... he's gone.

2004-12-05T01:28:00.000-05:00

Objects I can see, sitting at my computer, Usual Suspects-style:

1) A tea-towel from England pinned up on my wall. These are basically touristy-type cloths that depict a few local landmarks/historical events/famous streets, from the area where the towel is based. This one is from Hastings & St. Leonards; which I've been to, back when I was 8 and visiting England with my dad. Anyways, I've been to a number of the locations shown on the towel, which is kind of cool. There is a depiction of the famous Battle of Hastings in 1066. It was the last time England was successfully invaded and conquered by a foreign army, the Normans of the north of France. Pretty interesting stuff. But according to the picture on the tea-towel, the battle consisted of 5 British guys fighting off one dude, probably named Norman.

2) The receipt for my most recent cd purchase from HMV. The band is called Nathan, the cd is called Jimson Weed. I heard about them on CMT, the country music channel...... Pick your jaws up off the floor. They're kinda folksy, kinda country, and quite good. A couple girls sing and they both have really great voices and harmonize very well. Now, I make a rule of not watching that channel as much as humanly possible. There are only so many times I can listen to Toby Keith, and that number starts with zero. New country is the bane of the airwaves in my opinion. It's on par with the crap-pop on top 40, in terms of calculated, uninspired, repetitive, boring music. So this band obviously stood out. I've always said - I'm a fan of good music, it doesn't matter what genre. I know no labels. (This should be said breathlessly, with a french accent, to get the desired effect.)

3) Four NHL team pins I stole from the home of a guy I knew when I was about 13 or 14. Forever on my bulletin board as a token of my previous life of crime and a reminder to stay straight. This bird ain't gettin' caged.

Live Long And Prosper

2004-12-04T01:05:00.000-05:00

1) Music critics bug me. Partly because I wish I was one, and I'm jealous that I'm not getting paid to listen to music and write about it. But more importantly, I find that a lot of them are just bragging about how smart they are and how much they know under the guise of being music critics. It's as if they write to be as exclusionary as possible - alienate enough people from understanding the inner workings of the "profession" and you pretty much ensure your position there is safe. It's the same as any profession I suppose. Make your job seem as arcane as possible with mystifying jargon and an air of elitism, and you guarantee that no-one can question your work or take your job. But back to the music critics, and the four tools of annoyance:

1. Name dropping the most obscure bands that you can possibly think of to show off your astounding breadth of musical knowledge.

2. Getting heavy into the musical theory, the sooner you can mention that C seven flat nine augmented, the better.
3. Using your review of one band to create a whole new genre of music.

4. Grossly abusing your artistic license in the juxtaposition of words and terms describing the sound (note: this doesn't count when describing Tom Waits).

These really bug me.

2) Sometimes I could wring my sister's neck. It came up in conversation that I read a number of blogs and she was all, like: "What the hell do you do that for? What a waste of time. You don't even know those people. Who cares what a bunch of nobodies have to say." And then said that it's "all a bunch of losers talking about Star Trek." And then I had to laugh. Her understanding of the cultural landscape of the internet is about 10 years behind, and taken entirely from episodes of Saved By The Bell. She doesn't think it's worth reading unless it's by Mindy Starfucker and it's about Brad Clooney or Paris-Lo or whoever was the drunkest and/or sluttiest at the most recent Hollywood party. She does read some books, I think. I tried explaining that it's just what a variety of interesting and cool people have to say about everything and anything, from politics to pop-culture to personal experiences and opinions. "Just get past the word blog," I pleaded "and it's just (usually) well written tidbits that make your day more interesting and may even learn 'ya something new.

So anyways, In Episode F26, wasn't the guy who played Porgalis, Emperor of the Moobs, the same guy who played the ensign that Spock took out with the Vulcan pinch of Nippleindigo in F51?

3) I had a rant about the US Position on International Treaties that I am rapidly losing enthusiasm for writing at this point. It's late, and I have bitched enough. Maybe I'll build up enough steam to tackle it at a later date, but I don't have the energy to get into what I know will be a drawn-out, negative affair right now. But I mean...c'mon! What's up with that?

(Heh, my spell checker wanted to substitute trafficker for starfucker.)

Running On Empty

2004-12-03T00:26:00.000-05:00

1) I will be running in the next Toronto Marathon on Oct. 16, 2005. You heard it here first. I was on the website earlier today and decided that I am going to do it. I don't know if I'll be doing the 5k, the half marathon, or the *gulp* full marathon, but I am going to be running, mark my words. Anyone want to join me?

2) I spent about 2 hours vacuuming and dusting my basement room this evening. Boy did it need it too, it was disgusting. The impetus came when I realized that I wasn't coughing or sniffing nearly as much when I was upstairs in the house, and I knew it was much dustier down here. So I am hoping that tomorrow morning I will wake up feeling as fresh as a motherfucking daisy. Otherwise, I quit.

3) I went grocery shopping tonight. And if it's any indication of what Christmas shopping is going to be like this year, everyone's getting home-made macaroni and pipe-cleaner ashtrays. I don't care if you smoke or not. Start.

So I am pushing my cart down this one aisle, and right before the end, there's a cart full of boxes off to one side that the stockboy must have left there. Behind it, diagonally across the entire aisle is another woman's cart with a little brat in the chair. And this woman is standing in the space between the stockboy's cart and the shelves, staring at cans of coffee, completely oblivious to me coming up. So I say excuse me. She steps about 3 inches forward so that there's just enough room for me to squeeze by, hitting my elbows on both the cart and her. You'd better believe I didn't say sorry. Then, she completely ignores the fact that her cart is effectively blocking off the whole aisle. So I push the cart off to the side so that I can get by, meanwhile the little brat is staring at me with the blank look of complete stupor that only 3 year old children of moronic women can muster. I resist the urge to send the cart flying into a display case of heavy cans of tomato juice. While I'm doing this, another woman tries to squeeze through on the other side of the cart, but decides to stop right behind it and stare at me while I am trying to move the cart through the space that she is now occupying. I resist the urge to pick up the kid and throw him at her. I finally get by and curse at them in a made-up language.

I think I'm going to hunt for my food from now on.

Purple Prose

2004-12-02T01:27:00.000-05:00

1) In my time of dying, er, sickness, I have totally rediscovered TV. Not that I ever was anti-TV or anything, I just would rather be doing something else. But all this lying around producing phlegm doesn't leave much for me to do besides channel-surf. I totally forgot how funny South Park, Family Guy, and especially Seinfeld were. I don't watch anything actually current or new, I'm just revisiting old laughs with re-runs. Although I did watch the beginning of the first Jeopardy show since Ken Jennings lost. They had him on for one last chit-chat and ratings milkage before that show goes back to being dinner-time viewing for loser trivia geeks in university. Like I was. He's just so damned amiable. Giving those damned sneaky Mormons a good name. Someone's got to get him out my head before I move to Utah.

2) Our furnace was out for the day. And by that I don't mean it was gallivanting around with fellow home-heating miscreants. It just stopped working. The temperature dropped down to like, 18 degrees C (65 F, for my Imperial followers). Although in the basement, it felt much colder. I think the molecules in my extremities had pretty much stopped oscillating. I was frigid. I was wearing moccasins, my toque and I was still freezing, looking for some more iconic Canadian clothing to wear. Couldn't find the bearskins though. I'm a lucky sonofabitch that I don't live anywhere that's actually really cold right now, because then I would be dead.

3) Did you know I'm colour blind? I am. Yes, I can tell when the stoplight is blue, it's not that bad. I actually think it's kind of neat. It's not like it has held me back in school, work or social settings - there's plenty of other things to screw me over there. But I really find it interesting to do those colour blind tests with the coloured dots and numbers. It's sort of a mind-fuck that most people can see something that I have no way of sensing. It also gets you thinking of the perception of colour. I know what pink looks like, you know what pink looks like, we can both point it out in a box of crayons, but is what I "see" as pink the same thing that you "see" as pink. There's no way to really know. It could apply to so many things: taste, smell, sound. Maybe not touch. I think the feeling of "shin meeting coffee table" is universal. So exquisitely sensual.

More Internet Freakiness

2004-12-01T13:17:00.000-05:00

I went to another of my favourite blogs today. Check out the title to Dooce's most recent post. Add in the fact that the author mentions the phrase "face down in a pool of her own snot" and I get the feeling that the internet just might, ...y'know,... be watching me. Sure, it sounds like crazy talk...

I daresay I was not very well at the time.

2004-12-01T01:02:00.000-05:00

1) Day 6: I fear the end may be near. It is simply too much to ask of my men to stay by my side in this state. Thusly, I have relieved them of their duty to me and sent them on their way with the provisions they can carry, a week's rations, and all of the love and gratitude I can offer in my weakened condition. Godspeed gentle souls, and may fortune smile on you more than it has I. Woe, it is only now that I understand what it is to look death in the eye and resign oneself to their own fate. I am too weak to fight, too ill to defend, and too tired to care. Would I have known the difficulty in my travels and the misfortunes that seemed destined to befall our party, I would gladly trade the thrill of adventure, the wonder of exploration, and the riches of conquest for the benign safety of a warm fire and a merchant's paycheque. My thoughts now turn to the chance decisions and seemingly inconsequential details of my life that have led me to this present, and final resting place. My humors run slow, and my sickened coughs hang in the ether, with not a soul left for 120 miles who could hear, nor save this wretch. These are the times when religious men find solace in their faith and the promise of eternal bliss. When godless men miraculously see the wisdom of a belief in something more that what they have witnessed in their lives. And when I fear the unknown beyond death, but lack the will to doubt my convictions. Even though it was by following these very convictions that I find myself in this plight. I shall now close my eyes and let the sickness take my body; my soul, if it indeed exists, shall go wherever the souls of lost, confused and regretful men go. The horror! The horror!

2) The internet can be so crazy sometimes. I was checking out one of my regular blog reads today, which has links to the particular book/movie/cd/game the author is into these days. The particular cd piqued my curiosity so I clicked on it, which took me to the cd info page at amazon. At the time of my reading this info page, there was only one customer review. And this customer is a guy who used to live next door to me and was one of my best friends, like, 15 years ago, and who I haven't seen or spoken to in at least 5 years. Freaky.

3) I put up the Christmas lights this morning. This normally sucks the last of any goodwill left in me after Christmas shopping. But since I have not tackled that beast yet, it was not so bad - satisfying, even. It's not quite Griswold good - but there are at least 30% non-working lights. Class out the ass, baby.

When Animals Attack (Stupid People Deserve It)!

2004-11-29T00:59:00.000-05:00

1) You remember how I was (sort of) boasting about my contest winnings earlier in the week? Well my sister managed to one-up me by winning a prize at her work Christmas party on Saturday night. She won a JVC 5-disc mini-system. It's just not fair.

2) Cold Update # 4: Today my stuffed sinuses decided to expel their contents. You know how their are two basic varieties of volcanoes? There are shield volcanoes characterized by the slow steady eruption of low viscosity lava, which form wide, broad, flattened mountains. Then there are composite volcanoes, which are taller and more peaked, formed by more sporadic and explosive eruptions of higher viscosity lava. Well today, my nose was doing imitations of both kinds of volcanoes: slow steady leaking punctuated by explosive sneezes every 5 or 10 minutes. Work thankfully passed by uneventfully, and I am hoping that a good night's sleep and some running tomorrow will be the end of this cold, because four days is long enough.

3) One of the shows I watched during my TV marathon yesterday was a nature show looking at the fastest animals, in the air, in the water, and on land. If I remember correctly, it was the peregrine falcon, the bluefin tuna, and the cheetah, respectively. Of course it also looked at a bunch of other animals that were also fast; and fast also usually means scary as hell. The lesson learned from this show was basically "Don't Fuck With Nature." Because nature can catch you and kill you and eat you in an amazingly short amount of time. If they could only organize and co-ordinate an assault on humankind, we'd be toast. Because most of us have no respect for nature. Like when Real TV shows some poor human getting attacked by some animal in a zoo because they were feeding it or putting their arm in the cage or whatever. I always root for the animal, man. Get that fucker's arm. Because animals aren't stupid. We've cornered that niche. I get nervous around farm animals. Because even a pig or sheep could do you some fucking damage if it decided it wanted to. We are so far removed from the exposure to nature on it's own turf. I wish humans had to catch whatever food we wanted to eat without the benefit of guns, traps, etc. Then we'll see who the superior species is. If you want a tuna sandwich, you have to catch a 3 m long, 500 kg Bluefin swimming around at 70 km/h. That commands some respect.

To Comment on Butterscotch's Germs Post

2004-11-27T23:35:00.000-05:00

1) Stupid-ass cold germs. All day Friday at work I could actually feel my head swelling up as the cold migrated from my throat to my sinuses. I wonder which one is worse: the sore throat or the stuffed sinuses and runny nose. I think if given the option I'd take the well-placed .22 calibre bullet buried in my skull.

2) All day today, after 12 hours of sleep last night, I managed to have a shower, put on my warmest, coziest, oversize-iest, sweat pants and hoody and park my ass on the couch in front of the TV. For at least 8 hours. It's the only time I can get away with it, and frankly, the only time I'd ever want to do it. Wading through Saturday afternoon programming is so much easier when I'm slipping in and out of consciousness.

3) It must be my sense of humour or creativity or something that's dripping out my nose now, so I will spare you pointless complaining until I'm well enough to actually get outside and observe the world and find all sorts of new, pointless things to complain about. Which will be tomorrow, 'cause I have to work. Send me your "buck-up chump" thoughts and wishes.

Blog Post Title Goes Here

2004-11-25T23:54:00.000-05:00

1) I woke up feeling crappy today, but again, it hasn't gotten any worse throughout the day. Still overdosing on orange juice, throat lozenges and sinus cold pills, so I'm really hoping this thing goes away fast.

2) Because of this crappiness that I was feeling in the morning, I wasn't able (willing) to go out and run in my brand new bad-ass Saucony 3800TX PowerMax SuperSprint running shoes. Some of that name might be made up. So I lied about the shirts being my last buy. I got them the other day at a running store in Streetsville. More financial motivation for me getting into shape. The guy at the store was a hard-core runner and by analyzing my running for like, 10 paces, he could tell that I had some muscle weakness in my right hip area that caused my right foot to turn out. And he recommended exercises that will hopefully straighten that out (literally and figuratively). He knows his running gaits. I'm going to try out the new shoes tomorrow morning, provided I don't feel any worse than right now.

3) Feeling kinda blah. Not much else to say. Though I did watch the end of that Seinfeld special tonight and, damn, I was laughing hard. I miss that show.

Not Quite Worthy Of A Celebratory Jig

2004-11-24T23:37:00.000-05:00

1) I woke up this morning with a sore throat. I'm not happy about it. I haven't been sick for actually quite a long time now (self-induced sickness excluded, of course). It figures that as soon as I start proactively trying to improve my health and fitness, I catch something that will lay me out and keep me from being active. I drank 2 litres of OJ today so I'm hoping that may do the trick - it hasn't gotten any worse over the day so that's a good sign. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

2) In the last week, I've won 2 prizes. "Prizes" of course being a loose term for leftover stock. I won one of those mooing milk carton contests, and I was pretty excited until I realized that the prize was a $5 music download. Woo. Hoo. The tiny electronic mooing contraption has got to be worth more than that. Today at work they were previewing the new marketing campaign for the winter season, and so they were drawing prizes for those who attended the presentations. I won an umbrella. Which is practical, especially today with all that damned wet snow, but not quite worthy of a celebratory jig. Methinks I need to buy a lottery ticket. For a really lame lottery.

3) A while back Jen sent me a really funny forward about the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. It's basically a contest to see who can write the worst opening sentence for an imaginary novel. There are some really really funny ones. And so I decided to try it out. So here it is:

Multigrain bread, 2% milk, potatoes, butter, sugar, beets, carrots, tomatoes, frozen corn, juice boxes (grape or fruit punch), tomato juice, olives (black), pickled onions, malt vinegar, mayo, lima beans, black beans, sliced black forest ham, marble cheddar, chocolate chip cookies, salt & vinegar chips, cream of mushroom soup,...this would be the last grocery list Vincent Gibbs would ever write.

Feel free to contribute your own, I am going to be bored tomorrow.

My Christmas Resolution

2004-11-24T00:03:00.000-05:00

1) I can appreciate if "adults" don't like cartoons, myself - I am a huge fan of cartoons, but the characters have to be very sarcastic and twisted, like The Simpson's, Family Guy, South Park, Homestar Runner, etc. What I can't understand is when "adults" like cartoon characters who are devoid of any edge or personality, like, Mickey Mouse or Elmer Fudd, or similar characters. OK, actually I can understand a bit of nostalgia factor for the Christmastime Chip and Dale cartoons. But to be truly accurate and quit beating around the bush, I cannot comprehend how any adult male can think that in any way whatsoever, it is tasteful or humorous or remotely a good idea to wear a necktie with a big picture of the Tasmanian Devil on it. Dude, WTF were you thinking???

2) I doubt that there's any actual difference in ingredients or taste... but marble cheddar cheese is like 5000X better than regular cheddar.

3) I've resolved to be more of an asshole. To those who deserve it. In the spirit of Christmas. No, I've had enough minor interactions and experiences with people in the last few days, who are ignorant, inconsiderate, dicks/bitches, that I want to make sure they know it. I have always dealt with such people by either ignoring them (if it wasn't actually required that I interact with them, as part of my confrontational avoidance defence mechanism) or by completely overdoing it with the honey-dripping smarmy niceness (in a waiter/customer service type situation). No more. I doubt it will actually have any impact on how these people go about their daily jerky lives, but it will make me feel all that much better. So if I get shot or stabbed or beaten up in the next little while - y'all know why.

Masturbatory Soundtracks

2004-11-22T00:07:00.000-05:00

1) I am planning on coming in to Toronto Monday night, because I haven't been in a while to seen you TO folk, and also to say good luck to Dennis before he leaves for his Asian business trip. And gets kidnapped by the North Koreans, who need die casting expertise for their burgeoning nuclear program. Or by Japanese schoolgirls, who think he's Keanu Reeves. So anyone who wants to get together for food and drink, maybe, let me know.

2) Judging by the cover of Britney Spears' new DVD, I'd say she's spending too much time making people want to fuck her, rather than listen to whatever music she's making. I'm fine with the whole "sex sells" paradigm in advertising music and basically every other product that's bought and sold (with the exception of diapers or Depends). It's all marketing and, yes, of course many people will buy her albums because she's 7/8ths naked on the cover, all glistening and pouty. But that's how she should be selling herself. Not as a musician, but as a tame, Wal-Mart friendly version of the actual sex you can get on HBO or any other decent cable channel. Because that's all people want. They want to be teased and titillated, without anything potentially sexual ever actually occurring. All build up and no release. Sexual innuendo and implied nudity and the like. But one boob at a football game...friggin' puritans. And her albums shouldn't be called "albums" so much as "masturbatory soundtracks."

3) The Toronto Argonauts won the Grey Cup. If only the NFL were over this quickly. The one damned sport I enjoy watching is on hold for who knows how long. OK, I lie. I'll gladly watch women's volleyball but that's not on TV nearly as often as it should be.

Cut The Chatter, Red 2

2004-11-21T00:50:00.000-05:00

1) Friday night's work Christmas party was not that bad - not that it would have been, but under the given conditions I was working under, it could have been. I made it to the Old Mill by about 10:40, straight from work. Upon arrival I was immediately aware of 3 things that didn't look promising for my having a good time: I was severely underdressed in khakis, everyone was already extremely drunk, and I couldn't find anyone I knew, even though it was a very big party. Eventually I found a few people from my department and scammed a couple drink tickets so things were a little better at that point. The dance floor was pretty hoppin' after about 11:30, which meant circles of girls in evening gowns and no shoes dancing to retro tunes and guys air-guitaring to AC/DC. And the one very drunk girl getting carried away and potentially embarrassing her date, were he not so drunk as well, thinking about all the action he was going to be getting later. Pretty standard stuff, really. I hung around until 12:30 and danced off the couple beers I had before I went back home to pick up my sister from the airport. So I was there for the middle third of the party, which is always the lamest. No meal and increasingly boisterous conversations at the dinner table as the wine did it's work, and no sloppy drunken dancing at the end of the night leading to office indiscretions and gossip for Monday. Maybe next year.

2) Three things loosely related to hats:

a) The bus driver today was wearing one of those good ol' fashioned bus driver hats. The kind you'd picture a happy bus driver wearing circa 1940's. I've never seen that before in Mississauga, and I can't figure out why he'd be wearing it. I can think of three explanations (yes, I realize this is getting ridiculous):

i) Everyone gets one and he's the only guy who actually wears it.

ii) He's the most senior bus driver with the City and wears the official seniority hat (and gets the solid gold ticket-punch).

iii) He went out and bought his own hat to look cool.

I don't know which it is, but either way, I have to respect him for it.

b) If anyone I know ever catches me wearing a white baseball cap, perched high up on my head, with a sweater that has one horizontal stripe across the chest and a large chain dangling halfway down my chest, over the sweater - you have full license to sabotage my Imperial Star Destroyer, crashing it into a Death Star and a fiery death with the rest of the clones.

c) I swear there's a competition to see who can wear their ball cap on the most off-kilter angle. This guy I saw at the mall is totally winning. It was, like, sideways on his head. He must have been using some kind of double-sided adhesive tape to keep it on because there was no way it was staying there on it's own.

3) I'm so not one of those shameless self-promoter types, which is good and bad. There really is nothing more annoying than those name-dropping people who try so hard to let everyone know how smart/talented/well-endowed they are. The selling of anything depends on half-truths, omissions, playing to trends or fads and generally whoring yourself out to those with something you want. Selling yourself just seems so.....cheap and desperate. But I also recognize that people who are dumber/less talented/small will get ahead and get what they want, and what you deserve, because of the fact that they sell themselves well and are always "out there." It's frustrating if you don't play the game well, or don't want to play at all. Obviously I don't play that game well. It's something I think about a lot because I know I am (insert good quality here) but I'm terrible at advertising that fact, so I feel I am limiting my opportunities, or career growth, or potential, or whatever. I wish I had a team dedicated to promoting and selling me.

Can you tell how tired I was when I wrote this?

2004-11-18T21:22:00.000-05:00

1) How can the word "sanguine" mean confident optimism, while "sanguinary" mean bloodthirsty and murderous? Unless you're a serial killer happy with the direction of your chosen career path, of course.

2) Having made the mistake of jumping right into jogging last time I tried - I decided to ease my way into it this time. I've got a 5 km course mapped out that I will start by walking (quickly - don't laugh), and then slowly ease into the jogging. I started today, and realized it takes me by the long demolished former home of the Mayor of Mississauga; "Hurricane" Hazel McCallion. Way back in grade school, one of my 4th form chums used to live next door to her when there were only a few houses on huge lots. One time when I was at his house, my friend's dad busted us basically trashing a couple dilapidated sheds that were set back on her property (all part of that healthy vandalism stage we boys go through, right?). He made us go over to her house and apologize. Of course I didn't realize that she was Mayor and had the power to annex my house and turn it into a working abattoir with a few simple zoning law changes. But I was still apologizing to an Adult for Causing Trouble, which is scary enough at that age.

Anyhow, she got her revenge later that sweet summer. Her savage German Shepherd mauled me. I was swimming in her pool with my friend when a thunderstorm struck (all part of her diabolical plan). So we had to run back to the house when a big crash of thunder and lightening struck. The dog, which was running along beside us, apparently was very afraid of thunder and liked to sink it's teeth into supple young flesh to calm itself down. So I happened to be closest and the dog jumped up and bit into my shoulder. I wasn't allowed to go over there to play anymore.

3) Yikes, it's 9 at night and I can barely keep my eyes open. But I'm hungry...eat or sleep, eat or sleep...Good Fucking God, I hate emoticons.

Pauly J Sleeps With The Fishes

2004-11-18T01:11:00.000-05:00

1) I will subject you to my recent purchases for the last time today, because it must be really boring to read about. And also because I made the final wardrobe purchases that I have been planning and so I'll be taking a nice long break until Consumermas, I mean Christmas. I bought a couple dress shirts for work that I really like. So this wasn't a spur-of-the-moment-how-else-can-I-spend-my-money kind of purchase. I've been wanting to buy dress shirts for work since I started at the new job and just haven't gotten around to it. And due to my freakishly tall alien exoskeleton I can never find dress shirts with long enough sleeves. So I went to a big and tall store (genius!). The sales guy towered over me and must have outweighed me by at least 50 lbs, so I bought what he damn well suggested. Actually he was a scary looking dude, but was really soft-spoken and friendly. He told me if the shirts shrank, I could come back and personally smack him upside the head. I won't be testing that out. I also bought a drum of that protein shake mix, partly so that I'm financially guilted into actually exercising again, and partly because I can keep it by the side of my bed and snort it when I wake up hungry in the middle of the night.

2) This sucks. My work Christmas party is this Friday at the Old Mill in Toronto. I think it will be a pretty boss party because the company seems to treat employees really well and knows how to have fun. Plus the Old Mill is pretty sweet - so they're not skimping on the $$. However, I am working Friday night and I won't be done until 10. So I'll definitely be missing out on the dinner and much drinking (probably free) and likely much booty-shaking on the dance floor. I could feasibly make it there by 10:30 or so, however, my sister gets back from the Dominican Friday night and it is my responsibility to pick her up from the airport at 2 am. So I'll have about a 2.5 hour window in which to party down with all those superiors, minus the drinking. And that sounds less than thrilling. So I'm pretty cranky about that.

3) It feels pretty bad-ass to enter a pool hall through the back entrance and kitchen ("Swingers" style) during the day before it opens and shoot pool with guys named Fat Terry and Fat Chris. They don't actually use the "Fat" in front of their names but if they wanted to go by that handle, they wouldn't be wrong. But it's more than a little disconcerting when they're harassing you for quitting their team in league play. I was sweatin' bullets, see? "Yeah, yeah, I don't know nuthin' 'bout it, I swear. Oh, ya gotta believe me, I had nuthin' to do with it, I swear. Oh please no...oh I need those fingers, c'mon I'll play, I'll plaaaauuugggghhhh!! Please no, ....oh please, I'll get ya the money, I swear, I swear on my life...."

Asshole Or Sensitive-Guy?

2004-11-17T11:16:00.000-05:00

1) Originally, this was going to be dedicated to me making fun of bad music or people with bad musical taste. After writing some stuff down I realized that I was coming across as a total jerk. Generally, I try to balance the mean-spiritedness with clever, incisive wit delivered with impeccable timing, but I think sometimes I must look like a bit of an asshole. Of course something is lost when it's written down versus when I'm belligerently spewing vitriolic rants over spilled beers. You know I'm not one of those people who constantly make fun of others, right? I mean, I do but it's for laughs among my friends, I would never make fun of someone to purposely make them feel bad. Plus, pretty much anyone I would be making fun of could kick my ass, so I would never say it to their face. Hmm, I don't think I'm helping my cause with this explanation.

It's just music, man. I am so very passionate about music and what I like and what qualifies as "good" that when I hear awful music or someone defending awful music I can't help myself. (I can't believe I said "so very passionate..." Someone kick me in the nads.) So I think I'll provide smaller doses of my rants, and not a whole post dedicated to them, just to soften the blow.

2) It's so funny when my cat sits and watches me when I'm playing guitar. She sits and waits for me to drop the pick and then runs over and grabs it and runs off with it. Maybe she just really wants me to stop, but I like to think that she's just being playful. (I can't believe I just talked about my cat and playing guitar in the same sentence. Could I be anymore sensitive? Whoever kicked me in the nads - do it harder this time.)

3) Did you ever notice how lame that "observational humour" is? And sarcasm?... yeah, that's funny.

Red Flags And Hackles

2004-11-16T16:29:00.000-05:00

1) Last night I decided for some reason that I really want a T-shirt with a big picture of Cameron Frye's face on it (from Ferris Bueller's Day Off).

2) I was listening to a song last night that had some random background street noise sampled. It got me to thinking if there are any instances where one of those people talking or laughing in the background ever happen to listen to the piece of music that used their voice. Would you recognize it? Would you be able to pick out the time and place where somebody around you just happened to be recording? If you were to realize that it was yourself you were listening to, what would that feel like? I imagine it would be very weird. What are the chances that someone happened to be recording what you thought would have been an insignificant and unimportant conversation, that sample was used in a song, and you happened to like the particular band that used that sample and were listening to the song. I don't think there's any point to this train of thought and I'm now bored with it.

3) I was supposed to go to Buffalo last night with my cousin to see a band she liked. It didn't end up happening because she had a last minute assignment that she needed to finish for today. I was looking forward to it, but also a little scared about spending an extended period time in that city. I had a feeling the lake effect snow wouldn't save me from the house fires. I was also not looking forward to the border crossing. Her father is Arabic and so her last name would probably raise red flags and hackles with all those friendly border folks.

1 Glorious Thing

2004-11-15T00:27:00.000-05:00

1) Well, the surprise party was a huge success and fulfilled the holy triumvirate of stag nights: beer was drank, money was gambled, and girls were naked. Incidentally, I also fulfilled my yearly vice quotas. Just a warning that the tales told here involve a level of crudity I am not normally privy to; hate the sin, not the sinner right?

There was about 20 guys at the party, which was held at a friend's in Oakville. A good number I knew from high school and were not really people that I go out of my way to hang out or talk with, but the festive mood of the evening made everything that much more chummy. That and the bottomless fridge of beer. I had made a deal with myself that I would drink no more than one bottle of beer an hour to keep myself from waking up dead the next morning. Considering the drinking started at 6 and would carry on (I assumed) until at least 2 or 3 in the morning, I figured I would be OK the next day on 8 or 9 drinks. Well, you all know where this is going...an hour and half into the evening, and before The Man was even there, I had already filled my quota for the next 4 hours. So I don't know how much I had to drink all night but I know it was well into the double digits. I'm not one of those guys who likes to boast that I drank "a twenty-sixer of Southern Comfort" and I'm not bragging or anything. But there's a certain pride in my body's ability to metabolize toxins without keeling over. A sense of awe, perhaps.

So the drinking continued with a renewed sense of purpose once The Man arrived and got over the surprise of 20 inebriated friends vaguely aware that he had just entered the house. And the food was great too - strategically placed bowls of munchies all over the house and BBQ'd chicken, burgers and sausages (because we needed more sausages in the house - we really did). There was also, oddly, not one, but two penis-shaped cakes, which not surprisingly, remained largely uneaten until someone wisely cut them up into non-phallic shaped pieces. The money raised during the night and the money paid to partake in the party went towards his gift of snow tires for his truck - which were immensely appreciated and unfortunately spawned a good hour of testosterone-laced car and truck conversation. I lack the gearhead gene and was severely out of my element amongst talk of turbo-overhead-intake-induction-dual friction-injection-manifolds. This is where my eyes glaze over and I imagine I'm having a great conversation about the relevance of The Smiths in a post-punk musical scene.

Around 10 we ordered five cabs to take us to the evening's entertainment. Yes, we were going to a ripper's. The Man got to choose which one we went to, either Pure Gold or Solid Gold. And nothing was pure, solid or golden about either of these joints but, ah well, it's all in fun. I'm not a strip club guy - the novelty wore off long ago - but I can still go and have a wicked fun time as long as it's for a good cause and not that often. As expected - we were all fighting to buy The Man lap dances all night long. Unfortunately, we didn't balance the beer/girl ratio very well and by the time we left, The Man was pretty much sober. Oops. But he did have a whole lot of lap dances under his belt. Hmm, I don't really know If I should use "lap dances" and "under his belt" in the same sentence. While The Man was occupied we of course busied ourselves with nursing grossly overpriced beers and the requisite "hootin' an' a hollerin'" at the performers on stage. The strip club yelp is universal. I swear it's always in the same pitch, a C#.

So we returned to the house around 1 am to rectify The Man's alarming sober problem, and return to our own liver-polluting ways. And we did the gambling at this point, too. We had a 50/50 draw and bought tickets to win a bottle of whiskey, because that's what we really needed at that point. Meanwhile copious quantities of alcohol and other gateway substances were consumed, to the delight of all. When the blackjack table was finally set up, no one was in a state suitable for reasoned risk-assessment or money management, so it was that much more fun. At the end of the night I think I was up a whole $3 but I didn't even get back the money I had paid out for my chips to begin with. Not that I cared, what with that bottle of beer fused to my hand and all. Finally, the last remaining sober (brave) individual was ready to go - so I caught a ride home with him and two others and crawled into bed at 5 am.

Felt cruddy on my way to work but not as bad as previous times, despite my Herculean effort to drink myself under the table. As far as I can tell, The Man had fun too. That's totally worth getting married.